Eric Christopher- Butte County 80

14 years...

2011-07-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

I remember exactly where I was 14 years ago today and what I was wearing... We were young, full of excitement, hopes and dreams. Yet we had already been dating 8 years so we had an understanding and an expectation of who the other person was. I knew him to be steady and sure, loyal, honest, hard working, fun loving, humorous, and always my rock. I knew that above all else he would always be there for me. He made me safe, loved, and right. He brought me laughter, strength, truth, frustration, peace and wisdom.

I knew all those things when I walked down the aisle in my handsewn white dress. What I didn't know was that I would only have 12 short years before it all was gone and what a huge hole in my life it would leave. I have spent the last 2 years holding together the ragged edges of the fabric of our lives and trying to mend them. Everyday is another stitch in time, a little darn to the fabric. It is taking on a new shape, not the one we originally set out to make but still a comforting quilt the girls can wrap themselves up in.

I think of our dreams, the ones fufilled, the ones that will never be. I am thankful that the best of those hopes, dreams and wishes are reflected in two little faces that grow so much each day. I think of all the things I was given in the last 22 years. I realize now that time was not to be one of them.

I was up at midnight with my reflections, watching the clock, knowing that today would come. I have felt it coming all week. Felt the waves of emotions lapping at my core. I spent Sunday with him, sitting, quietly reminding him of that day 14 years ago.

I wouldn't have missed the dance.....

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

-garth brooks

In the know, the down low, and on the go, go......

2011-06-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

I have been sadly neglectful of this blog lately. It isn't that I haven't though of posting, or that the words that I would say, haven't run through my mind like a ticker tape. I could say that I have been busy, and it would be true. I could say that I have been concentrating on some big changes and it would also be true. But the real reason, the nuts and bolts of it boils down to something more simple. I haven't wanted to. I haven't wanted to explore my own feelings. I have been content to wrap myself in the protective fabric of my projects, my life, the girls, and everything else. I have let it numb me from my feelings, I have let it be a filter for me.

The last months have brought change again to my door, and then I invited it in. The girls have been busy. H had her t-ball season, we games, practices, and lessons. Swimming lessons, birthday parties, lost teeth, first grade, our last year of preschool, field trips, working in the classroom and on and on and on. But the biggest change these months have brought is my decision to move. After 12 years we are moving off of our mountain and down to be closer to town.

Once I made the decision, I looked at the rest of winter as an affirmation of my decision to move. When I spent an hour digging my friend out of the snow in our driveway, I told myself it would be the last winter I would have to do that. When we were late to H's own birthday party because we got stuck in the snow and had to hike to the main road with cupcake carriers, gifts, and party supplies, and have someone pick us up and drive us down the hill, I saw it as confirmation. When I lost phone and Internet for 9 days, and power and water for 5 due to the storms, I told myself it was for the last time. The last winter. And it was.

I bought a house in town. I have traded secluded life on 25 acres for quiet life on an acre and a half. The kids still have plenty of space, but it is more manageable. It is closer to their school, friends and activities. We have space for everything, and everything has a place. We (R took charge of this project) have spent the last several months getting it ready. The week before school got out, we finally started moving in, and last day of school was our first night to sleep over. We are still not completely moved but it is slowly happening.

After 2 years of school not being able to have play dates over, we decided to break in the new house in grand style. I volunteered to have the end of the year first grade party at our new house. For a potluck BBQ of course. It rained. It poured. We had 62 people IN our half finished, half moved in house for 4 hours. It worked, and the kids had a great time. I was happy that H finally got to play hostess to her friends. We kicked it back into high gear and are getting down to the finishing touches. I still have much to go through at the old house. Projects to finish there.

It has been a huge undertaking, but will be so worth it in the end. I am already seeing the changes, in me and the kids. It is easier to live with a grocery store around the corner. It is easier to have a lawn to mow instead of a firebreak to maintain. It is easier to live without so many memories.

Two Years Today....

2011-06-20T00:27:00.000-07:00

Two years. 2 years. Today.

Falling Behind...

2010-12-08T23:15:00.001-08:00

I have been falling behind in my blog posts as I have been reminded on several occassions lately. It is not that nothing has been happening, but rather that so much has been happening. Unfortunately just not with him. He has settled into his new enviornment and they are learning about him. They are trying to make him as comfortable as possible and are trying some new things with him. Some new approaches to his physical therapy and some new medications. So far things remain much the same. It has been a relief, not having to drive to the bay area, and staying with S&S has been wonderful, comfortable and normal. A nice change of pace. The girls have gotten to see him at their whim, for as long as they like. This has been a good thing, but also a reckoning. I think for them, while they wanted to see him, and asked about him, the distance also gave them a buffer from the situation. I have noticed a change in H on her recent visits. She is no longer the giddy cheerleader, bouncing in, trying to elicit a reaction. She has become more somber. More contemplative in her visits. Some have asked me what or if I tell them of his pronosis, but I have elected to let them lead. To let things take their natural progression. I knew that she would start to question, start to come to terms with the reality. She has. She has not given up hope, but the frenzy has subsided. She visits him, and looks into his eyes and talks to him, but she comes away with resignation. It is a hard thing to watch. It was inevitable but still a hard thing for a parent to watch in their child. I try very hard to balance their lives in other ways. To be so young and have to deal with something so grave, robs them of an innocense. I have tried to focus their energies instead on honoring thier father by doing the things that he would want and expect them to be doing. It is still hard, but it is time to start moving forward, to think about the future. Not leaving him behind, but in the ways that we can carry him with us, so that he continues on. We still hope for the best and continue to research and provide the best opportunities that we can, but life is not standing still. My children have not stopped growing. I have to keep moving forward for them, and reminding them of the best parts of him. The things that are not lying in that bed, his love, his laugh, and his spirit that lives on in them every single day. So we are moving ahead, trying to find new things to look forward to, continuing to surround ourselves with our family and friends. Moving ahead, even when feeling like I am falling behind.

To everything, turn, turn, turn....

2010-11-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

There is a season. It has been another busy couple of weeks. As I said before, it is amazing to spend a year and a half emotionally raw and fighting every day. Eventually you build up calluses. I was starting to feel numb to the routine. Putting one foot in front of the other and juggling my balls in a pattern that I had become familiar with, then they were plucked out of my hands and tossed up in the air to settle into a new pattern. Some legal issues are almost settled, he has been retired, officially. WC declared their intentions. I finally got the answers to my burning questions about health insurance. With one answer, it seems a new question is generated. I have new questions on the horizon, some that may never be answered. I fought for all of those months to have him placed in the brain injury program, to give him the opportunity that he deserved. That process became it's own adventure. The drug therapy, the defibrillator operation....and then the abrupt transfer to Fairfax. The one without my request or consent. I grew to like and appreciate the facility and the staff, but the drive was killing me. 4 hours each way. I had to farm my kids out every weekend. We had no down time at home, the girls and I. We would run all week for school, activities, etc. then drop everything, be gone all weekend, get home Sunday night, and start the week behind. Play catch up all week in between ferrying the girls around and still never get anything done. It was killing me. I am sure I have not been much fun to live with. A little over a week ago I got word that a bed was available in the sister facility to the one he is currently in. It is more like a group home than a hospital. It is a home-like environment, 6 beds. They have speech therapy, physical therapy and occupational therapy on site. It is not as shiny and new as the one he has been in (although there are plans for a remodel) but it has the same amenities, the therapies, the whirlpool bath, home environment. He moved on Thursday. The day before the Halloween Carnival, for which I was the coordinator for our class. Right before Halloween weekend when the girls were so excited. So I spent Thursday getting him settled, Friday back at school, Saturday took the girls to see him, Sunday back home for Halloween, Monday back to school. Whew. It will take some getting used to. A new collection of staff to become familiar with. For them to learn about him and us. The best part? It is just outside of Roseville 90minutes away! S lives less than 10 minutes from him! We can stay with her. The girls can see him. The facility sits on 5.5 acres and has rolling lawns and a duck pond. It has a paved driveway where they can ride their bikes to show their dad. It has a long covered patio, where the girls spent hours drawing pictures for him with sidewalk chalk. It has a little porch swing, where they swung and dangled their legs and called out to him, giggling as they did. They can come with me. I can have dinner with them in the evening and put them to bed. If something happens when I am home, I can be there in 90 minutes or S can be there in 10. That is a good thing. The rest we will have to work out. There will be change. Some good, some not good. We will have to forge on and make a path. We will do our best. That is what I tell the girls when they look at me and tell me how much they miss him. I say "I miss him too, more than anything. But what would Daddy want us to do? Our Best. He would expect us to do our best each day."

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time of war, a time of peace
A time of love, a time of hate
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late!

Falling into Fall...

2010-10-17T14:38:00.000-07:00

The last weeks have been a blur of life and legalities as some of the battle of the last year and a half are finding resolution. Of course, these things would all conspire to occupy the same time period. When I have felt the enormous weight of it all, I keep telling myself to plow through, to keep treading water. I am sure that a month from now, when some of these issues are at long last off of my plate, I will be glad they are over instead of lamenting their timing. I admit it is bittersweet, these resolutions. To know that some battles are over, that we have won them, should feel like a relief. On the other hand, those fights have claimed the empty hours of my thoughts, have kept me focused and on task. They have forced me into a strict routine, to keep to a deliberate plan. To be freed of these weights should bring a sense of peace. I am sure it will with time. My first feelings were of emptiness, of my world dropping off again. When you are juggling this many balls it should be a relief to have one removed, but I felt the loss. I felt his loss. I suppose it all really goes back to the way I deal with things and process life. When our world was irrevocably altered, I made a plan. I looked ahead to the possibilities, and made a plan. I thought of my goals, and what I would need to do to get there. I thought long term, and as new balls were bounced into my lap, I thought about where every one of them should be in the line up, and how they would help or hinder my process to the goal. No shift is unplanned. So when someone unexpectedly plucks one out of the air, and casually says "you don't need this anymore!", there is relief as the weight is gone, as you start to move the other balls more freely, have more time and space for them. It is also anti-climactic. When you have to control your anger, pain and rage, to channel them into something useful, something to help you rather than hinder you, it gives you a certain clarity of vision. You compress them, all into a single minded goal. It buoys you, gives you strength. You don't really think about the why, or the how, you just do. You take everything that is handed to you and use it. In the process the goal, is what you are working towards but it becomes almost mythical. It is not that you forget what you are fighting for, but that the process of the fight becomes all consuming. When it is finally over, it feels sudden, and you stumble. There are still more battles to be waged. More fights to be fought. He is still fighting the biggest battle of all, and we still know very little about what might be going on in his head. I am sure that this time next month, I will be relieved. For now, I am a bit at a loss. Still trying to find my new rhythm with one less ball to worry about. It is at these times when it all hits so hard again, like ripping the band-aid off of a wound. In the end, it is better to rip it off quickly, but at the moment you pull it off, it hurts. It is excruciating.

"My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been runnin' round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm following you girl
'Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find

And ever as I wander I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I every thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I've started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars forever

No I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I've started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Or come crashing through your door
Baby I can't fight this feeling anymore "
REO Speedwagon

Another Fork in the Road...

2010-09-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

Over the last year, there have been many paths we have travelled that I thought we never would. Today marked the start of another one. There was no fanfare or celebrations, but today he became "retired" Sheriff's Detective Eric Christopher. I am not sure it is actually "official" as no one has notified me in writing or otherwise, but when we had our meeting, they gave me today as the day. It has been just over 15 months now. Fifteen excruciating long months, with few answers or understanding. Today marks the start on a new path. The symbol of another door closing. The finality of a part of him, and a part of our life together. In the land of uncertainty, it is defined. I do not know where it will lead, it is all uncharted territory for us. Another fork in the road.

The Week.

2010-09-26T14:56:00.000-07:00

The week in review. It is hard to believe that after over a year of time, so much comes to a boiling point in the very same week. On Monday, I finally met with the county and had my questions answered. There was an apology given, an excuse, an explanation. "Things were complicated by WC...." I heard them. I understood what they were saying. I understood those complications from the beginning. I also told them, that while I appreciated the difficulties of the situation, had they simply communicated that they needed more time, instead of ignoring me. Ignoring all of my attempts at communicating, not calling on the days and times specified by them for such communication. That I made myself available each and every one of those times, but was left waiting. That the unforgivable part was not in the fact that they were unprepared to meet with me or discuss my questions. The unforgivable part was failing to keep me informed. Failing to tell me that they they had jumped the gun in initially agreeing to discuss it, and that they needed a little more time. Much of my frustration, my fears, my changing plans, the extra worry, all could have been relieved with a simple communication. I hope that is now surely understood. That being said, the meeting was fruitful. My questions were answered. He is set to be retired at the end of this month. I understand what that means. I know how it works. I know how long I will have medical coverage. Questions, answered. Wednesday was a hard day for me. Many people knew and I got quiet messages through the day. It was his 40th birthday. 40 years old. 22 years ago I met him, we were both just 18. I remember the first birthday gift I gave him. We had just been dating weeks. Mad magazine, red licorice, and liquid starch. (ROTC uniforms) I also gave him a card. I ran across that card recently when looking in his things for something. In all of these years I have not seen it. He saved it. On Thursday I had to go to court. To gain conservatorship of my 40 year old husband. Friday found me making the 4 hour drive back over to see him, and as it is Sunday afternoon, I am preparing to make that same drive home. The girls did not know it was his birthday this week. I kept it to myself. They knew we did "daddy's race" for his birthday and D brought a cake and everyone sang happy birthday and it was a good day. It was a happy day for them. I didn't want them to close their eyes that night missing him any more than they already do. I didn't want them to feel that loss any more sharply. I will drive home tonight, pick them, tuck them into bed, get their things ready for school in the morning. I will unpack our suitcases, and do the laundry, set out their clothes for the morning. I will have a nice long shower before bed, and when I am there, I will cry. I will cry because I miss him, because they miss him, and because of all he is missing. When I wake up in the morning, the week will start all over again. Another day. Another week.

Juddgement day.

2010-09-20T08:51:00.000-07:00

Judgement day, but is it mine or is it theirs? After almost 3 months of aggressively trying to get answers from the county, they have finally agreed to meet with me. They are supposed to have answers to a specific list of questions. We will see. Out of the blue I recieved an e-mail that they were ready to meet with me and discuss the issues of my concern. It contained a perfunctory one line of generic apology. Not much concern for adding more onto my burden, no excuses for setting up phone meetings, then failing to call me, no apologies for failing to even respond to my multiple messages. No explanations for initially responding that they would discuss the issues with me, then completely ignoring my many attempts to contact them. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. I do take well to being ignored. I do not appreciate having unnecessary burdens put into my lap. I do not tolerate cowards, shirkers, or people that avoid their responsibilites well. We will see how they do with me. It is judgement day. Today I am thinking of him. Thinking of his way of facing the world, with honesty and integrity, yet willing to fight. I hope it doesn't come to that.

For him....

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

[Chorus:]
It's the eye of the tiger, it's
the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor
stalks his prey in the night
And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds, still we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive

[Chorus]

Risin' up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive.

Eye of the Tiger: Survivor

As the days fall into years....

2010-09-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe that this month is here. It marks 22 years of our relationship. 22 years since we met as 18 year old kids, out of the house for the first time, and anxious to find our own way in the world. 22 years of the best times I could ever dream of and of the worst. 22 years and I am the only one who thinks about it. The girls have no concept of time, and how amazing that is. He is not aware of the time or it's passage. It is enough time to have born a child, raised them, and seen them graduate from college. A long time, yet not enough time. It is funny, they say that people change. People don't change. They grow, they adapt but they don't change. At the core of my being I am still that same girl who met a boy in her college laundry room. The girl who was reserved, cautious, and responsible, who met the boy with the heart of a boy scout, and an adventurous spirit. She recognized in him the passion for life, the quest for adventure, and the humor that she longed for. She was excited to be able to be able to have someone to show her a different path, to always make her laugh. She was the anchor that held their foundation firm, sometimes while they travelled together, and often keeping it solid for him when he returned from his own adventures. She is still trying, but she misses the laughter, as the days fall into years...

In Her Daddy's Shoes...

2010-09-09T00:14:00.000-07:00

Do you recognize those green eyes? How about that wide infectious smile? They are his, and she did him proud as she does every day. She ran her daddy's "birthday race", she greeted everyone we knew (and many we didn't) with cheers and high 5's as we were on the trail. She is amazing.

Victory is ours!

2010-09-06T09:14:00.001-07:00

Well perhaps that is a tad melodramatic, but we are victorious because we all made it across the finish line! This year we had 5 registered 3 person teams, 3 registered solos, several of the team members did two legs of the race (their second leg just for fun)and one did the whole race for fun. We also had several others come out and walk the 4.5 miles with the girls and I. It was a great day. It was amazing. R, D & the Mehoffs joined us, and showed up with an amazing amount of food, which we all appreciated! He would have loved to have been there. We all had our shirts on, and every time we passed one of our shirts out there, we had big cheers. We had one team place 3rd in their category, we won an award for having the biggest "family" represented, we got a medal for the youngest registered participant (10 years old and he did the bike and the run! Although next year he will have competition as H ran the whole run as an unregistered participant!) and our star of the day G who did the entire triathlon (for the first time!) and won her category, but we all won that day. We all went out there in spite of all of the obstacles of the last year and we finished. I was listening to H & E talk about something the other day, and E said "well my daddy always says try, try again, and do your best". We did. We did our best. He would be proud.

We're off to see the Tinman....

2010-09-03T01:11:00.000-07:00

We are leaving right after school tomorrow to head up for the triathlon. The race will be Sunday morning, but we will spend a little time enjoying the cooler weather and just relaxing before the big day. We are excited to have a great group of teams and several solo participants as well. We will bring out our shirts and have a good show. The girls know that we are going to do the race again for daddy. They are excited. They associate it with his birthday. They think the whole triathlon is a celebration of his birthday. We will all celebrate for him, doing something that he loved with people he loved. I haven't had much time for regular training, but am hoping the leaf blowing and weedeating that I have been doing, will be enough to get me over the finish line. MAC is coming down to swim for my team again so I figure she is my ace in the hole! We are packed. We are ready. We are off to see the Tinman....... See you there!

Still Standing..

2010-09-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks have been busy ones. I feel like I am always saying that. The pace of life seems to have picked up so much, there is never enough time to fit it all in. Perhaps it is also as I tell the girls "Mommy has all the jobs to do right now". My jobs, his jobs and everyone else's jobs as it seems no one does their job any more. Some things have started to change for which I am grateful. Someone spoke to the SO on my behalf and made them aware of what was going on at the county. This ripple caused someone with a little more muscle than I have, to become involved. He has been able to get ahold of the people who have avoided my calls, and they have to have answers for him. Oh there is still bureaucracy, but things are starting to move forward and I think they understand that their actions are being observed. I really appreciate that. I suppose that knowing that they were causing me more stress and grief was not enough of an incentive to do the right thing, but knowing that others are holding them accountable was. I have finally been informed that they are moving forward with his retirement. I am not sure when it will all be in place, but at last I have been enlightened as to their intentions. There are many other factors still in play. I am at least expecting to be informed as the process moves forward. I spent a glorious day last week being deposed by the naughty people. It is excruciating sitting across the table from 3 lawyers while they probe the details of your life. Asking you ridiculous questions like "do your children have any effects from this event?" Words cannot express the profound impact this has made on their lives, on all of our lives. But the obvious answer is not good enough, they want to watch the emotion flood over you, they want to dissect your every move and response. They want to challenge you, your memories and your life. Seven hours of fun. Driving home to make it just in time for back to school night. Then off the next day to go and see him. Spend the weekend with him, then back in time for school. And then it starts over again. I am sure we will establish a new routine. H is still getting used to full day school, it is much more of a transition than I thought it would be. Kindergarten, I now realize was much a world of it's own, but first grade is a whole new deal. The first few days she came home looking like a victim of PTSD. She is adapting, slowly. She likes it, but so much change challenges her. She is talking about missing him alot again. How can she not miss him when things are challenging, he was her knight in shining armour, bigger than life, her daddy. And so we cycle back around again. Every night with the anticipation of the new day and the new challenge, brings up his loss. When she gets into bed, and is finally alone with her thoughts, I see the sadness reflected in her eyes. I would give everything to be able to take that away for her. E jumped right into preschool, it being so familiar to her. She lives so much more in the here and now, is more connected to me. It is a double edged sword. On one hand such a relief to be able to spare her some of the pain, but on the other hand, the deep sadness that her memories will not be as vivid. We are making a path, two steps forward, one step back. But at least we are still standing.

The Coward of the County...

2010-08-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

Yep. Still nothing. No phone calls. No e-mails. No letters. Nothing. Nada. They have not contacted me in form to address my questions. How glorious. It is amazing to me that they still hold their heads up, while committing such a gross neglect to the family of an officer of this county. Not even return my calls. Not even send me a letter if they were too cowardly to speak to me on the phone.

Everyone considered him the coward of the county.
He never stood one single time to prove the county wrong.
His mama named him Tommy, the folks just called him yellow,
Something always told me they were reading Tommy wrong.

He was only ten years old when his daddy died in prison.
I looked after Tommy 'cause he was my brothers son.
I still recall the final words my brother said to Tommy:

"Son, my life is over, but yours is just begun.

Promise me, son, not to do the things I've done.
Walk away from trouble if you can.
It won't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek.
I hope you're old enough to understand:

Son, you don't have to fight to be a man!"

There's someone for evr'yone and tommy's love is Becky.
In her arms he didn't have to prove he was a man.
One day while he was workin' the Gatlin boys came callin'.
They took turns at Becky... there was three of them!

Tommy opened up the door and saw his Becky cryin'.
The torn dress, the shattered look was more than he could stand.
He reached above the fireplace and took down his daddy's picture.
As the tears fell on his daddy's face, He heard these words again:

"Promise me, son, not to do the things I've done.
Walk away from trouble if you can.
Now It won't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek.
I hope you're old enough to understand:

Son, you don't have to fight to be a man!"

The Gatlin boys just laughed at him, when he walked into the barroom.
One of them got up and met him halfway 'cross the floor.
When Tommy turned around they said, Hey look! ol yellows leavin'.
But you coulda heard a pin drop when tommy stopped and locked the door.

Twenty years of crawlin' was bottled up inside him.
He wasn't holdin' nothin' back; he let 'em have it all.
When tommy left the barroom not a Gatlin boy was standin'.
He said, this ones for Becky, as he watched the last one fall.

Twenty years of crawlin' was bottled up inside him.
He wasn't holdin' nothin' back; he let 'em have it all.
When tommy left the barroom not a Gatlin boy was standin'.
He said, this ones for Becky, as he watched the last one fall.

And I heard him say,

"I promised you, dad, not to do the things you've done.
I walk away from trouble when I can.
Now please don't think I'm weak, I didn't turn the other cheek,
And papa, I sure hope you understand:

Sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man".

Kenny Rogers-

The Tinman

2010-08-15T15:49:00.000-07:00

Summer is ending, school is beginning. I ended the last weeks of summer by first getting my first ever case of poison oak. My eyes swollen shut, arms, legs, covered. I tried all of the over the counter aids, nothing worked, as I slowly watched myself swell like a balloon. I finally went to immediate care and got the shot. Good choice. If I ever look at poison oak again, I am going down and getting the shot. I recommend the shot. I love the shot. Cleared up enough to drive over to see him, only to come home to the stomach flu. Now that I am at the end of that one, it is time to get some walking in for the Tinman. Yes we are doing it again. Not as much fanfare as last year, I think it snuck up on all of us, but I think we have 5 relay teams and 3 soloists signed up. (I think the Mehoff family will be there too, not in the count) MAC is coming down from Portland to swim for us again, and we will again break out our shirts and celebrate him. His life and his love of life. An important thing for his girls and for all of us to be reminded of. So if you are there, come and see us. We won't be hard to miss.

School is Here!

2010-08-15T15:35:00.000-07:00

It has been a busy summer. I can't believe that school is about to start. It just doesn't seem possible that another school year is starting and he won't be there. H is going into first grade. She is excited, thrilled, and can't wait to be back with all of her friends. E moves onto another year of preschool, this time with N as her teacher and she is equally exicted. Of course I am excited for them. I happy that someone else will have a turn to entertain them, as they have their father's energy and it can be exhausting being the only one on deck. Especially H, she has her father's blue green eyes, his smile, his quickness to laugh, and also his relentless energy. She literally bounces down the hall, cannot stand still and have a conversation with me, watches TV by bouncing herself like a pinball off the livingroom furniture. Something I know all too well. I lived with it for the last 20 years. A friend once called me and during the course of our conversation, she asked where Eric was. I told her I had locked him outside. "Locked him outside??" She was confused. "Locked him outside!" I confirmed. I told him that he had to play outside for awhile, because I was getting ready for company and he was bouncing off the walls in the house driving me nuts. Oh he ran from door to door making faces for awhile, before giving up and finding something else to entertain him. Now I am raising his daughter without his help. She is him. Entertaining, infectious, happy, athletic, outgoing, amazing.

Disrespect.

2010-07-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

I am tired of being disrespected. I understand that what is going on in my life right now, is simply part of the job to some people. I understand that. But if it is part of their job, they should do their job. I have never travelled down this path before and their are bound to be forks in the road, a map would be nice, but if one is not available, then there should at least be someone I can stop and ask for directions. I knew that his year on WC was getting close to and end, but I did not know what happens next. Does it end right at a year? What happens from there? Does he retire? Go on disability? How does that all work? I asked the questions but no one had answers for me. I had a meeting at Human Resources for the county months and months ago. I had questions for them then, many of them they were unprepared to answer, but they promised to get the answers for me and get back to me. Still waiting. I asked when WC was going to end and what happens next. I got a letter dated 7/9/10 informing me that his WC benefits were "going" to end on 6/26/10. Yeah 13 days after they ended they mailed me the letter. Nice. At the end of June I contacted Human Resources again, trying to have my questions answered. Tried several times to get ahold of the main person, only to be told almost 2 weeks later that he was on vacation and someone else would be helping me. That person sent me an e-mail saying that he was getting the information together, and would be prepared to go over all of my questions. I asked for him to call me the following day. He did not. I got a coworker who told me that he would call me the following day. He did not. I contacted HR again, this time I got an e-mail from the coworker again, saying that the man could call me any one of 5 times over the next two days. I said great. I would have my phone with me the whole time and he could call me during any of the 5 times they suggested. Two days passed and I did not get a call. I contacted the coworker again, and said that I had not received my call. I was informed that the man had to go out of town but that my concerns "were a priority to him" and that he would call me back the next Tuesday when he returned. That was this Tuesday. Yup you guessed it, no call. Not Tuesday, not Wednesday, not Thursday, not today Friday. A priority, right. I have been trying to contact them for a month. A month I have been waiting to find out what is happening to our future. Do we still have benefits? How long do they last? What can I expect? A month, and they cannot get back to me. If this is your job, do your job. Because what is your job is my life. My livelihood. My future. Do I really not have enough to deal with, enough uncertainty, enough instability? It is disrespectful to me. It is disrespectful to him. And it is disrespectful to all of the people who are still doing that job, thinking that if something happens to them, that their families will be taken care of. Disrespectful.

When it rains....it pours......

2010-07-22T21:58:00.000-07:00

It seems that I have more lessons to learn. My life is not destined to be a smooth path for sometime. I was just trying to plan out my last weeks of summer, to make the best choices for him, for the girls, for us as a family, when another curve ball landed in my lap. K went into the hospital. She is never sick. She is my rock. She was in the hospital for 8 days, right across the hall from where he had been. The first time I came flying out of the elevator, it was like it had opened a window to my past. She is out and better now, but as I was gaining strength again, it took me back to feeling vulnerable. She is the one here who has been with me longer than him. It was humbling, again. I was fortunate that S had come to stay and help me with some projects at home, because she was able to stay with the girls and let me go to the hospital. When I saw her walk out of there, I was much relieved. I had already been planning to take her girls and mine to Portland to visit his sisters, and we decided to continue with the plan. As we were on our way, I got the news that he was being transferred two weeks early. While we were to be gone. They changed the plan again. I understand why they did it, but I am not mentally prepared to deal with sudden change right now. I need time to adapt the plan. I need time to get used to any changes, to figure out how the change is going to affect every other piece of the plan. I knew that his time would be up at the beginning of August and that it would be time to move him back closer to home. That was the plan. They decided to move him for a month to a transitional care facility that DrD still works with so that she can continue to monitor his progress for a little longer and then after a month, another evaluation to decide on the next step. He will continue with his drug therapy and to receive 15 hours of therapy per week, in hopes of seeing more improvements. I want him to be in the best place for him, but I am also getting frayed. I have alot of balls in the air and my arms are getting tired from juggling. K made me promise after her hospital stay, that I would take care of myself. A task that should be second nature but seems like another burden to juggle. I promised. I am trying. I just don't know how many more balls I can keep in the air at a time. I am struggling to find a balance. It just seems that when it rains, it pours.

The Thirteenth Year.

2010-07-12T15:24:00.000-07:00

Today is our 13th anniversary, this past year being the 13th year of our marriage. If I was not superstitous before, this year has not inclined me towards the number thirteen. H asked me recently about our wedding "ball" and I pulled out our pictures and let the girls look through them, seeing us as we were and so many other familiar faces. They were delighted to compare us all then and now. Daddy didn't have any facial hair, but uncle S had a moustache! I let them each choose a picture to keep out for themselves. We have a few of the formal posed ones in the hall at the house, but they each chose a candid shot of the day. In the past weeks, those photos have found their way to tea parties, the trampoline, a picnic basket, and a trip the the beach among others. It is interesting for me to observe, and think back to that day and those two people standing there, having no idea how this life would unfold for them. The innocence. The anticipation. The love. The dreams. Some dreams have come true, as I see the picture of their dad and I propped up next to a naked barbie, an oversize tea cup in front of it, a small child happily chattering away to them both. And some have been undeniably crushed. I remember that couple, not quite kids but still not quite grown, making their plans, thinking of their future and celebrating life. I think of the song we danced to, and how it seemed that we had forever stretching out in front of us...

I'll always remember the song they were playin',
The first time we danced and I knew,
As we swayed to the music and held to each other,
I fell in love with you.

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?

I'll always remember that magic moment,
When I held you close to me.
'Cause we moved together, I knew forever,
You're all I'll ever need

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
(anne murray)

I never thought that time would pass so quickly, that days could seem so excrutiatingly long. I never thought I would be a mother, whose children's father never saw a single day of their school life. I never thought the thirteenth year would be life shattering. Forever altering. I have spent the last two days with him, and as with every milestone, it makes me emotional. It makes me so deeply sad. This was not our plan, the life we laid out together. This is not even a speed bump. This is irrecvocable, a wound that will never heal. I knew there would be hard times, life would be difficult. and I still signed on.

These times are troubled and these times are good
And they're always gonna be, they rise and they fall
We take 'em all the way that we should
Together you and me forsaking them all
Deep in the night and by the light of day
It always looks the same, true love always does
And here by your side, or a million miles away
Nothin's ever gonna change the way that I feel,
The way it is, is the way that it was

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Well this old world keeps changin', and the world stays the same
For all who came before, and it goes hand and hand
Only you and I can undo all that we became
That makes us so much more, than a woman and a man
And after everything that comes and goes around
Has only passed us by, here alone in our dreams
I know there's a lonely heart in every lost and found
But forever you and I will be the ones
Who found out what forever means

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Truer than true, you know that I'll always be there for you
That's what I had in mind, that's what I had in mind,
When I said I do
(clint black)

Our Baby is 4!

2010-07-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

I can't believe our baby is 4 years old. This is the second birthday of hers he has missed. He has been away for a quarter of her young life, and the percentage just keeps growing. It is so hard to look at her and think that she might not remember first hand how much her daddy loves her. She will have pictures and videos and all of our memories, but I do not know if she will ever see his head thrown back in laughter and his belly shaking with delight. I don't know if she will ever see pure joy on his face as he catches sight of one of his girls. It is a hard thing to grapple with. From the time they were small I told them that I had picked the best daddy in the world for them. It is true, and so unfair that they are not getting this time with him. She had a great day, our little E. She is a funny little girl, who is mostly content to go with the flow. She was so excited to be celebrated and to have everyone there for her. She was lovely and gracious, and thankful. She was a delight to watch. H&C let us use their lovely yard and pool and we had family and friends come for summer fun. S bbq'd hot dogs, K made her the most amazing ladybug cake, K,C&A made all kinds of ladybug food and decor. It was a great day. They were just kids, running, swimming, playing, it was a great thing to watch.....But he was missed.

Another day, another wrench...

2010-07-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

It seems every time I turn around there is another wrench tossed at me, or another ball to juggle. Workers Comp only pays for a year before it shifts back to long term disability and while he is on that I have to work on filing for his retirement. I have spent the last two weeks back and forth on the phone making calls to get the proper paper work and getting estimates and benefit sheets, reading over it all and talking to the represenatives so that I may figure out which option to chose for retirement. I get all of my paperwork filled out, I have flagged all of the places his employer must fill out, and mailed off workers comp's portion to them. I have made copies of everything from our marriage license to the kids social security cards. I have established legal guardianship and provided them with the court documents. Then, on the last phone call, I get yet another represenative and am told that in addition to the guardianship, I need to now file in family court for conservatorship that specifically states that I have the right to choose an option for his retirement. I need to find yet another attorney that deals with family court issues and file for conservatorship. It is unbelievable to me how many hoops there are to jump through. I think my manual must be on back order because I still have not gotten it. I do not know how people navigate all of this without going insane. Or maybe that is what they are counting on. That a certain percentage will just give up, that is it just too hard. That they are not as stubborn and hard headed as I am. I don't know. I just know I am tired of juggling, and I need a manual.

Anniversary.

2010-06-23T00:18:00.000-07:00

That word is usually preceded by the word happy, which in this case does not apply. There is nothing to celebrate this anniversary, no congratulations to be handed out. It is more a day of reflection. It has been a year. A full year. That is more than a quarter of my youngest daughter's entire life. I think psychologically I have been preparing for this day for the last few weeks. I recently attended a memorial service for a friend and it seemed that tears were constantly brimming. I was sad for her, I was sad for the family, my friends. I was also just sad. Sad that these things keep happening. Wondering how much people can endure. In the course of this one year, I have lost my grandfather, an uncle, two friends, and my concious husband. That is more loss in one year than I have seen in the last decade. I am tired, exhausted really. Today was a day I felt the weight of it all. I remember with such vivid detail, the phone call I recieved one year ago this morning. I remember packing up the girls and heading down the hill, not having any idea the journey that I was about to embark on. I certainly would have never envisioned being here. The girls had no idea that today was any different than any other. We stayed home. The first full day home in awhile. I cleaned and sorted, often my thoughts a million miles away. I did hair, buttoned dresses, tied bows and buckled shoes, but my mind was on that fork in the road, and the path that was chosen for us. I spoke to only a couple of people, most probably not remembering the significance of the day. It was quiet. I was quiet. And when the girls were finally asleep. I cried. I am crying still as I write this and finally give form to the thoughts that have been tumbling through my mind all day. It is as if the emotion has been compressed tightly in a ball, and has suddenly exploded, almost bursting from my skin. It is almost tangible. Certainly painful. It is the anniversary.

Today is Father's Day....

2010-06-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

Today is Father's day and I will spend it in the same way that I did Mother's Day. Alone at my husband's bedside. The bulletin board on the wall covered with pictures of our babies, their artwork and handmade cards for their dad. Another day of childhood celebration that we gloss over, so the pain will not be so great. Another distraction so the loss will not be felt so deeply. I don't know when that part will get easier. I look into his familiar eyes, and they are so the same, so him, that part of me wants to shake him and yell "say something dammit!" When I touch his forehead or shave his jaw, and he furrows his brow or tightens his lips as I shave around them, I wonder how much harder it can be to blink or nod when I ask him to. I don't know. They started his drug therapy with the first cognition increasing medication and have been slowly increasing the dose. They added another activating drug to the list, and tried it for a few days but it seemed to have the opposite effect and it zonked him out. Yesterday the added a different one to his mix and hope within a few days they will know if it is helping. I notice today he has been more vocal. Not upset, but just making sounds and noises. Of course I hope it is him trying to say something, but I cannot know for certain. I also do not like to analyse anything that he does or says. I leave that to the professionals. It is just too exhausting, trying to make sense of every sound and movement. He has been awake for long and longer periods of time. Seemingly just watching the world go by. I do not know what he sees or what he understands. If these are signs of the medication, or if it is coincidence but time will tell. We continue to hope for the best. To believe that he wants it as much as we do and that if there is a way, he is actively looking for it. We will continue to try to shine the light for him, and hope that he sees it through the fog.

Overwelming...

2010-06-17T00:35:00.001-07:00

I went to the post office today to pick up the mail I had help while we were gone. They brought me a big plastic mail tub, and offered to let me take it to my car because they did not think I could carry it all myself. Yeah that much. Of course there is always alot of garbage and this time of year even more so with the campaign fliers, air conditioning companies trying to drum up business and the regular junk mail. Then there are the bills, all the usual ones, then a whole stack for just his medical care, various correspondence from 3 different attorneys, a notice from the dmv telling me I need a smog for my diesel truck (really? I have to go in and deal with their mistakes now on top of everything else). Of course the magazines, mostly his. And lastly the two pieces of mail that are actually enjoyable. So I lug that box home and sort through it, culling the junk from the pile and making sub categories for all of the rest. Of course while I am doing this I look out the window and see the weeds that have not only sprouted but multiplied since I have been gone. Those rains right before we left, and the sun while we were gone gave them the perfect conditions. I have the mountain of laundry that I emptied from our suitcases. 24 messages on the answering machine. Grocery shopping, the usual household chores,and house projects in progress. I made progress. I did half the laundry, changed all the beds, cleaned and sorted the girls room, opened and sorted all of the mail, listened to all the messages, wrote out the bills, went to the post office, went grocery shopping, filled 1/3 of my orders and made my list for tomorrow. And I am tired. I got a random message letting me know that WC was going to go over and see him today. Barely into his drug therapy and they want to go over and observe. To make sure we are not wasting their money I am sure. Funny, when he was stuck in Redding all those months they did not seem nearly as concerned about wasting his time...

Endings and Beginnings...

2010-06-13T18:48:00.000-07:00

We just ended H's first year of school. Kindergarten. He missed it all. The whole year. Milestones. Something we will never get back. E started preschool and has one more year before she can start kindergarten. That's it, our last shot at it. Oh I know life is full of firsts but I never thought I would be facing them all alone. Of course while the school year was winding down, ballet was winding up for their big performance of the year. This was my first year with a child in school, so when I saw that the performance was the day after school got out, I did not think too much about it. When the flier went out asking for volunteers to help with make up, costumes, etc, I did not think too much about it. I spent my time out in the ballet "sweatshop" making tutus, sewing, gluing etc. When I got the rehearsal schedule, I thought I would figure a way to juggle it all. We had graduation, bridging ceremony, practice, rehearsal, swimming lessons, regular class, a field trip, and I managed to keep juggling. S came up to help me the last few days, and I could not have made it over the finish line without her. things got a little hairy at dress rehearsal, it was way over time, the communication was not good, I was trying to entertain a flock of 6 year olds in full costume, and a very well meaning, stressed out individual decided to speak to me in a less than respectful manner in front of the children, about a matter that could have been simply resolved. Not really a good idea. Not after my week. I never raised my voice, but I know my point was made. The actual performance went off swimmingly. H was thrilled to once again be on the stage. As a matter of fact she has been actively producing her own shows for some time, the last one in my living room, where she cast herself as director, producer and star (snow white), and she cast her sister as the prince, all seven dwarves and the forest animals. She is quite something. She loves her time on the stage and does not seem to have any fear of it, wonder where she gets that? After the performance we left right for the airport. We flew down to San Diego to spend a week with A&M, it was baby A's first birthday, and they held the party until we could join them. It was lovely and that little girl is devine. The girls adore her, and have made up their own song about her. We spent time at the beach, the park, shopping, the boardwalk, and just hanging out. It was good to see them all. We flew in and S met me at the airport so she could take the girls and I could come directly over and spend time with him. And here I be. Our school year ended, and the summer begins. His drug therapy has begun. The time of inactivity has ended. It is they cycle of life, endings and beginnings. We do not always know when we open a door where it will take us. If it will lead to a brick wall or open to beautiful possibility. We hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Endings and Beginnings...

Drugs!!

2010-06-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

Whoever thought I would be thankful and relieved to say my husband was on drugs. But I am. He has finally started the long awaited drug therapy. They are starting off slowly with one drug for improving cognition, and will monitor his progress. After that they will switch it up and try something new. They will rotate about every week or so for the next few weeks and see how it goes and if he has any greater response to a particular drug or drug type and then we will have it. It being our evaluation. It will go one of two ways. He will show some changes or responses, or he won't. If he does, they will come up with a further plan. He will stay in Kentfield as long as they think necessary, then the will transfer him to a step down facility where he will continue with his drug and physical therapy. If he does not show response or improvement, they will also let us know. The decisions from there will be hard ones. Any of the decisions will be hard ones. It has to be better than living in limbo. It is so incredibly hard to believe that it will be one year this month. A whole year, and the pain is still there. Still sharp. There are more days in between the really agonizing ones, but the pain is still there. A year and he is just now being evaluated. A year, and he is just now getting drug therapy for the first time. Amazing. discusting, and reprehensible. But for now, we've got DRUGS!

The Morning After.....

2010-05-21T15:27:00.000-07:00

He fared well through the night with no obvious signs of distress. He was soundly asleep when I got back to him this morning. I was not there too long before transport came to pick him up and take him back to Kentfield. He did fine for the entire 3 minute, 1.5 mile trip. I followed behind and we got him settled into a new room, next door to his old digs. I got all of his pictures and well wishes posted back up on the wall next to him so he has his own inspiration board to draw from. It makes an impressive sight, and I think that it lets all the staff who come to see him know how special he is. He has done remarkably well. I am hoping that inside there, he is doing his own preparations, knowing that his time is coming. They will let him rest through the weekend before trying anything taxing. But his time is coming. Next week there will be a new plan, and we hope he will cooperate, time will tell.

D-day Update.....

2010-05-20T17:55:00.000-07:00

He came out of surgery just fine! They started late, and it took a little longer than originally expected, but he is resting comfortably. He woke up and came out of the anesthesia just fine with no sign of nausea. They are keeping him here until tomorrow, just to monitor the device and make sure it is functioning properly (which it is). He was a little uncomfortable when he first woke up, but quickly calmed. He has been awake all day and very relaxed. They did shave most of his chest, so he has that superhero thing working for him. I think this is actually the first time, in 21 years, I have ever seen his bare chest! I am glad to have this behind us now. It is both a relief and a cause for anxiety. Before the surgery, we knew we were waiting on the surgery before having any real expectations. Now that obstacle has been removed, the ball will once again be in his court. They will move forward and try some new therapies and medications. The unknown will be more known. Some questions will be answered, and I am sure some new ones will arise. It is somewhat like making it through a deep tunnel, only to stumble into a large outdoor maze. You are so glad to see the light and feel the fresh air on your face. But then you turn around and realize you have a whole new challenge to navigate. Glad to not be in the dark, but missing the security of the walls. We will rest up one more day, before picking up and venturing forth to see if we can find our way through.

It is "D" Day!

2010-05-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

It is D Day, or defibrillater day! He was transfered last evening to Marin General where he is to have his defibrillater implanted. I came up after H got out of school yesterday. I dropped them off with C, the girls were so excited to be there with all of the kids, they hardly were concerned about my leaving. K would come and pick them up later and keep them for the next three days, running their routine so I could come and be here with him. He was very comfortable last night, very relaxed. I spoke with both doctors, and they anticipate everything going smoothly. I am in a small waiting room outside the surgery, keeping myself busy as I wait. It should be a simple routine surgery to implant the small pacemaker like device. If his heart goeas out of rhythm then it will shock it back within seconds. The real fun is about to begin. After this is all done, and has been declared a success, he will begin the long awaited drug therapy. This is it. Finally. What we have been waiting for. Keeping my fingers crossed and waiting..........

Hitting the ground running.....

2010-05-20T08:59:00.000-07:00

I am sure it is no surprise that we can back from the big "D" only to hit the ground running. Time is running out in both preschool and kindergarten. There are festivities to plan, projects to finish, a dance recital pending, so many things on the horizon. We came home to the eye of the storm. Of course I came over to see him as soon as we got back. He remains comfortable and relaxed. It is a good place for him to be, a place where they try to find out what is going on in that hard head of his. They actively work to make him comfortable and isolate potential problems and things that will impede progress. This is what they do, and that is comforting. It is easier to be further away, when see the abilities of the staff. Easier, comforting, in some ways, but of course the realities of the situation are neither of those adjectives. I am a person who stays the course. I believe in the big picture, but not getting too far ahead of myself. I believe in determination, both his and mine. I choose everyday to keep moving forward, to continue to make this life for my children, the best that it can be given the circumstances. Someone not too long ago, questioned my decision to have them participate in so many activites right now. Why would I commit myself to school, ballet, swimming lessons, and t-ball, all on top of the household, the yard, the finances, the business, and my time with him. The questions are difficult but the answers are simple. It is their time. This is their childhood. The only one they are going to have. It has been irrevocably marred by this horrible tragedy. There is nothing I can do to change that. These last months, they have missed out on something so important, they don't deserve to be sitting in a grieving house too. They have to learn to be resiliant, to overcome, not to wallow. The life skill H's class has been working on all year is being "flexible". It is a concept she has come to grasp. All of these things have made it harder on me. They take more time, energy and resources, sometimes I am tired, lose my patience. The reward is that they are thriving. They are learning teamwork, communication, dedication, persiverence, friendship, and other life skills. They are learning that we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get back up on that horse. It isn't easy, often exhausting, but it is the right thing. Of course this does not mean that we all do not have our moments. Even me. I try not to let my mind take me much further than this week or the end of next. I try to stay focused, but there are times, especially when I am alone with him, that the pain of the situation creeps up on me. More like crashes over me. It is always there threatening to creep, and something will happen and it will swell up and wash over me, a huge flood of emotion. Mother's day, was a day like that for me. The girls were with their grandparents and I was alone at his bedside. Of course one could not help but compare the day to Mother's Days past. There were no muffled whispers from the other room, no paper crowns, or lumpy packages with hand drawn wrapping paper. It was just he and I, and only one of us was talking. That was a day when I felt the weight of it crash over me, and anchor me to the floor. I sat with him and cried. I lay my head on his shoulder and I took the comfort I could from his shoulder. I let myself be unhappy, angry, sad, heart broken, frustrated and sorry for myself. Then I got up. I kissed him goodbye, packed up for the drive home, and prepared for the next week, to hit the ground running......

Disney Aftermath....

2010-05-10T00:35:00.000-07:00

And this is what too much Disney fun looks like the next morning.....

Disneyland Mom..

2010-05-09T22:06:00.000-07:00

Well I wrote the last post with the intention of writing this one immediately following. Obviously that did not happen. Another busy week. The last week of April, I got to be Disneyland Mom. Yup, we took the girls to the big "D". When I say we, I am of course referring to R&D. They planned the trip. We had actually tentatively planned this trip for last year, but time time got away from us and we never made it. D approached me with the idea around Christmas, and I decided to throw my hat over the fence and say yes. I knew that it would give the girls something big and exciting to look forward to. (think leverage) They have been looking forward to it for months. C helped them make a paper chain to help them mark the time. We all flew down on Tuesday and stayed through Sunday. 5 glorious fun filled days with two 6 year olds and a 3.5 year old. There was relatively little drama, and they all were very brave and tried new things. H even went on Space Mountain and Indiana Jones! She thought both were a little fast, and was not interested in repeating them. Her favorite was the Haunted House, which she thought was really cool. E did not want to go on anything that even looked like it might possibly be scary. We tried Peter Pan and after that she would not go on any of the other rides that she could not see from outside. She did however LOVE It's a Small World. We also spent some time at the California Adventure. We got to see all the 3D shows, It's a Bugs Life, The Muppets in 3D, and a couple of others. We also got to see the Aladdin show, and the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Live Show. We got to see the parades and the fireworks, have lunch with the princesses. The highlight of their week was the princess makeover. There is a little place at the base of the Cinderella Castle that is called the Bippiti Boppiti Boo Boutique. Each girl was assigned her own "fairy godmother" who took them through the boutique to pick out their own dress, shoes and crown. Then D and I took them into a dressing room and changed them into their new finery. The fairy godmothers came to collect them and take them to the salon, where they were given princess hairdoos, painted nails and sheer princess makeup. The fairy godmother then waved a glitter dusting wand over their heads. The curtains behind their chairs drew back, and a mirror was uncovered, the girls getting to see themselves for the first time. They watched as Tinkerbell magic flew around the mirror, and roses suddenly bloomed at the base of them. It was truly a little girl's fantasy. Then a "royal footman" came and curtsied to them calling them Princess, and led them to a room with Cinderellas coach. They got to have their pictures taken in the coach. The whole time D and I were giggling to ourselves as the girls just became engrossed in the whole experience. They even taught them the proper "Princess Wave" which H proceeded to give to her subjects while riding the carousel horses. It was a magical experience for them. We missed him. The girls both mentioned it on more than one occasion. But it did not define their trip. They had a great time and are still talking about it. R&D did an unbelievable job keeping us all moving. We had three adults to three children and it worked wonderfully. We were even fortunate enough to have A&M come up one evening to have dinner with us. It was a good trip, even a great trip. It was so good to be able to step away from our routine and be able to do something fun with the girls. In the scope of their lives, the ultimate fun experience. I got to be Disneyland Mom. I did not manage that feat alone. R&D, and everyone else who helped make that possible. You know who you are. It was a terrific gift to give the girls, to give all of us. Thank you. This was something they will remember for their entire lives. E is so proud of her Minnie Mouse ears that she still is wearing them around. They are still telling everyone about the trip. Sharing in both classes last week was all about the trip. Of course we started planning the trip months ago. Before we knew what would happen with him. Before we knew when he would be moved. It was a little stressful for me to be away with his move so recent. It all went fine. He was fine. He is fine. Still holding his own. This time he stayed home. He rested up, spent some time alone, sleeping, and relaxing. I took the kids on their adventure. We switched roles. Those are big shoes to fill. I think we managed to do him proud......

Disneyland Dad....

2010-05-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows how much and how hard he worked. He loves that job. Loves it. I have always had people ask me how I could deal with it. How I could do it with him gone so much. Gone at odd hours, for days, weekends, birthdays, holidays.... and then when he was with us, checking out license plates as we are driving down the road, calling T to talk about a case, talking to victims on the phone on his days off....Before we had kids, it suited me just fine. As anyone can attest to, he has more energy than 10 people, and I could never keep up with him. Or entertain him. He needed the frantic pace and the constantly changing influx of information, it is what drove him and made him thrive. I am a loner. Always have been. I am content to be quiet. To sit and read, to be by myself with my thoughts. I could go all day without talking to anyone and I would be fine. I like it when the house is quiet. Before children I would often stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning and sleep later into the morning just so I could enjoy the quiet of the night. I would do my house cleaning, my latest projects and my reading in those quiet hours. After children, sleep and the elusive quiet were the things that I mostly only dreamed of. But he also always understood this about me and he would make time to take the girls out and leave me in the house to enjoy my quiet. He would call himself Disneyland Dad, because he would plan an entire weekend of activities and not be afraid to grab the girls and go from sun up to sun down. He might start off with a 6 am fun run, pushing the jog stroller, then he would be off to the park, then to a street faire, off to ice cream, back to town for the next roller skating session. Inevitably he would drop by the sub to check his e-mail or drop something off, and the girls would have fun entertaining daddy's friends. If there was a matinee at the movies, they would surely be off there next, then off to try a new park and see if they could find any geo caches, probably run by Walmart for some things he had been meaning to pick up. They were busy. He was 100% on when he was there. He encouraged me to have time for myself and enjoy it without feeling guilty. I remember the first time he got to hold H after her birth ordeal. Brain surgery at 6 days old. Days in the incubator (or aquarium as he called it), it was a scary time. A time many people would be nervous to even contemplate more children. But he held her in his hands slightly bouncing her up and down, she looked back at him with her identical green eyes and he looked over at me and said "I want more of these!" I would have to say that fatherhood changed him. He went from student of life to teacher of life and he has always relished it. Before he wanted to ski the slopes, dive in the ocean, go on hikes and runs, roller skate and play on the beach. Since they were born he wants to do those same things but at their pace, wants to experience them through their eyes. They have experienced many things with him. With their Disneyland Dad.

Miles to go...

2010-04-24T11:53:00.000-07:00

I got to finally meet DrD yesterday. She is the brain injury guru around these parts and many others. In any job environment, there are always politics and disagreements. Hospitals are no better and in many cases worse. I am sure there are some of the same issues here, but one thing is not. There are no complaints or snarky comments about DrD. Every single staff member has nothing but wonderful things to say about her. They say she is dedicated. They say this is her life. They say she is amazing. They say she is the best. They say we are lucky to have her for a doctor. Today one nurse told me that she has seen anoxic brain injury patients be wheeled in here and then walk out, she says she had never seen that before. Sigh. So what does she have in plan for him? Well, she wishes he had gotten here sooner (don't we all??!) she has to counteract some bad habits that he has established and then she has to prepare him for treatment. He had been given nothing to help him relax, no muscle relaxers or anything, and after months of this with very little physical therapy, he is tense, he is tight, and is favoring certain positions. When he is moved or stretched it causes real and phantom pains that in turn cause him to withdraw or tighten further. The immediate goal is to relax his limbs, muscles and his brain. Let him feel the simplicity of peace so that when they start the regime, he is in a place to venture out if he is able. From my understanding of brain injury, it can be very scary for them as they are trying to figure out how to respond. Their nerves and signals can misfire and send mixed messages. A simple touch on the arm, can be interpreted as pain in an injured brain. By relaxing him first it can make him feel less protective and more accepting of changes as they are introduced. The next big thing we found out is that he is going to be getting the defib (pacemaker like device) installed probably this week. The doctor does not want to start therapy on him only to have the ticker rebel like what started this whole mess. In the middle of typing this, we just had another visitor, a special eye doctor. She came to look at his eyes and see if there was any noticeable damage. We have noticed that bright light seems to bother him, and that he squints his right eye. After examining him she determined that the cardiac event caused a muscle contraction that has forced his right eye slightly off. The result? He is probably seeing double. This does explain the light, how he seems uncomfortable with rapid movements in front of him, and how he seems to furrow his brow and squint when trying to look at something. She said it can cause him headaches and confusion in addition to seeing double and being unable to focus.. They can give him a shot of botox in the eye to release the contraction. It will last up to 6 months and at the end of the time, his eye will either be retrained to stay in place or he could have another injection. Another thing to help him be in optimum fighting mode. Another new thing we have discovered since we have been here. I know it has been two weeks today and we were all hoping to see him jump right in. Throw some drugs at him and see if it works. A bit like getting to Christmas morning but finding you can't open your gifts until Valentine's day. Anticipation. Expectation. Rehabilitation. I will take the first two to get the third. We still don't know where we are headed. if it will work, but what we will know is that he was given the opportunity to succeed. That is really all I can ask for. DrD is in charge. I am grateful to finally have a guide on this journey. It has been a bit like being dropped in the middle of an unknown forest and trying to find your way out. I could see the sun overhead. I could feel the ground beneath my feet. My children were behind me asking "are we there yet?". There were no signs but I chose a path and committed to it. Now I have met up with someone who has travelled this path before. She doesn't know yet what obstacles may have fallen since the last time she travelled it, but she knows a few things to watch out for as we travel along. We have found a map, it is outdated and does not have all of our journey charted, but together we will add to it as we make this journey. We will stay the course, and find our way out no matter which path ends up taking us there..... "The woods are dark and deep, and I have miles to go before I sleep......."

I Wonder....

2010-04-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

I Wonder......
When I was younger I believed, that dreams came true.
Now I wonder.
Cause' I've seen much more dark skies, than blue.
Now I wonder.

I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.

They are starting slow with him, but they are starting. Unfortunately with one step forward there is always at least one step backwards. Today they discovered he has a UTI and they will have to give him IV antibiotics to clear it up. In the meantime they are still trying to decide what to do about the heart to make sure it is stable enough to go through the treatment. The defibrillator (pacemaker) is still on the table and the decision should be made in the next few days. He has been very stable these last months on his medication but they want to make sure it remains stable as he goes through the more aggressive therapies. It has been a tough week on the home front as well. This week in school is all about Dad. I knew there was a "date with dad" at the end of the week, but going into the week, I did not realize that the rest of the week would focus on it as well. I spoke to H in advance about "the date with dad, or other special person" and we talked about how much she will miss him. S offered to step in for him, and she is excited to take him to school and show him around, and have special time with him. The last two days we have not had as much enthusiasm. Her allergies are in full force and she has dark circles under her little eyes. She is sneezing all over the place and I can tell her little head is full. This only makes her more sensitive. I have watched the melancholy come back to her this week.At school there were stories about dad, sharing was about dad,journaling about dad, and stations that revolved around dad. It was a little too close to home this week and I could see her feeling it. I watched her become more clingy and fussier. I saw her gaze drift and knew in her mind she was a million miles away. I kept her busy this week, very busy. They had lots of things to do and look forward to but still there is always something missing, and no one is more aware of it than her. Then we have the other child, she is "lucky ladybug of the week" in her class, and she has patiently waited all school year for her turn. She is on cloud 9, she is so excited, and she has the whole routine all down pat. She knows what is going to happen at school, she knows she gets to share every day, and she is very focused. The first night she brought home the special ladybug backpack, I went into their room to check on them and make sure they were tucked in. I noticed that E was not in her bed. I first thought she was in with H, but after rooting around for her, a feeling of panic set in and I made a cursory check of H's bed to see if she was in with her sister. I could not find her there so I ran down to my room to check and see if she went to my bed. She was not there. I was really starting to feel the stress and ran back to the girls room to check again. I rechecked both girls beds, then started to search around the room. I finally got to the closet and found her there on the floor in her little footie jammies with her head on the ladybug backpack, sound asleep. I picked her up and carried her back to bed. In the morning I asked her what she was doing in the closet with the ladybug. She told me she was showing the ladybug her clothes so they could pick out her outfit for school. So on one hand I have this child. This sweet child who so patiently waited for her turn with the ladybug backpack. And on the other, I have the other child. Also sweet, but also sensitive. It has been another week of riding the roller coaster and trying to find a balance. I wonder when it will get easier.....

When I was younger I believed, that dreams came true.
Now I wonder.
Cause' I've seen much more dark skies, than blue.
Now I wonder.

I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.

I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.

When I was younger I believed, that I could win.
Now I wonder.
There was a time when you and I, walked hand & hand.
Now I wonder.

I keep on searching for the old me, I keep on thinking I can change.
I keep on hoping for a new day, will I ever feel the same?
Now I wonder.
Oh I wonder.
Now I wonder.

(Chris Issac)

Que Sera Sera......

2010-04-20T01:49:00.000-07:00

I drove over to see him on Friday. S met me in Yuba City and took the girls back to her house so I could get on the road. I was able to spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday with him. His parents found a little apartment for us all to stay in, that is literally right next door the hospital. It is very nice to be able to step out for a few minutes and be right there. We are going at different times so that he continues to have visitors almost every day. I think last Monday was actually the first day since all of this began that someone was not with him. We all feel very close and protective of him. That day was a hard day for me. Knowing he was there, and I was here, but realistically I know that this is his time. That my presence there will not change change the outcome. There may be a time where I can affect things, but right now, it is his time. They have to figure him out and he has to figure them out. I am impressed by how much staff they have there. There are always people in and out. They have a set routine and schedule and they keep it moving. It is good for him, I think he needs a schedule. I am a huge believer in the schedule. I think it gives us security and makes us feel safe. I hope it does that for him now. They are working with a cardiologist to have him properly assessed before they start their regular drug and therapy routine. They want to make sure his heart is stable and he is in the best condition he can be in. We met with one of the speech therapists and she spent some time just talking with him and asking for small responses. I was able to take him outside and we found a lovely deck surrounded by greenery and a small creek running along the outside. We spent about 4 1/2 hours out there Sat, enjoying the lovely weather. E and J came up to visit us and spent some time with us outside visiting. It is always nice to have fresh eyes. It helps keep things in perspective. It helps validate our own feelings. It helps to digest what you see. I spent a good part of Sunday with him before heading back to pick up the girls and head home. I had two calls from the doctors today as they are working out his treatment plan. I know he is in a good place. I know he is in the best place for him right now. I am so glad for him to have this opportunity now. He deserves to have it. It is up to him now. Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be. The future is not ours to see, que sera sera........

Nothing Ever Changes, if Nothing Ever Changes...

2010-04-12T21:26:00.000-07:00

That is a quote that A reminded me of today. So true. We have made big changes, and are hoping for big changes. Already there have been more changes in the last 24 hours than in the last 9 months. Changes with his treatment plan that is. They are calling in a cardiologist to do a work up on him and determine his his current cardiac health and status. He has also not had a cardiac consult since he left Chico in August. They want to do this in order to make sure he is in his best shape to withstand the aggressive drug and therapy plan that they are putting together. How wonderful. Finally some movement. Another question to have answered. Nothing ever changes, if nothing ever changes......

The Eagle has Landed!!!

2010-04-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

Well we made it. We finally made it. I arrived here about an hour before he got here. When my feet touched the ground, I actually got a little weak in the knees. It was the adrenaline crash I think. It felt like such a big hurdle to have crossed. It was surreal that it had finally arrived. I met with the admissions coordinator and she congratulated me on a fight well fought. She told me that she had never seen it end this way before. She also suggested to me a new career in patient advocacy. She told me that she had seen many people become exhausted by the system and give in. She also reassured me that this was a place where they believed in aggressive treatment. They would try many things, and if something is not working they will scrap it and try something new. It felt really good to hear that. I also told her that I fought to get him here because he deserved the chance. The opportunity. That however this road ends, I have to be be right with him, and with his girls. I have to be able to look at them and know I did everything reasonably possible to bring their father back to them. That I provided to him every opportunity to succeed. I think these next weeks will be critical. They will finally be the ones that will give us answers. They whole staff seems to be very vested in their facility. They have also been encouraging and reassuring about the the program. DrD the director of the brain injury program will not be in until Wednesday and so these next days are just to let him adjust to his new environment. They will then be putting him through his paces, directing him through 3-4 therapies per day with drug stimulation therapy in addition to that. After we got him settled in his room, his things unpacked and all of the intake done, we had some special visitors. San Quentin has 8 dedicated beds in one of the wings of the facility. They keep it regularly staffed with correction officers on rotating shifts. A correction officer and their supervisor heard about him and wanted to come and pay their respects. They reassured us that they would make a point of checking in on him during every shift. It was a very emotional day, a day of changes. But it was finally change. Movement. A step forward. Towards what, we do not know, but it is a step.

Off to see the Wizard......

2010-04-09T22:20:00.000-07:00

We are enroute! Transportation confirmed! I will meet him there! We're off to see the wizard....

For Reals this time...

2010-04-09T22:10:00.000-07:00

Isn't that what you used to say when you were a kid? For reals. For Real. Really. They confirmed that his bed was open today. Kentfield was ready for him, but the transport company could not move him today. I offered to tether his chair into the bed of my truck. They did not seem to think this was a good idea. I suggested a little brisk air might perk him up, they offered that they had arranged transport for 9am tomorrow (Sat). It will make for a more hurried trip for me, I have to be back Sunday to get the girls ready for school Monday. I will at least be able to get him settled and meet the staff. Really it will be up to him after that anyway. I have been telling him, whispering in his ear, that he can rest now, but once he gets there it is time to work. This is it. His big chance. For reals this time....

Braxton Hicks...

2010-04-08T17:44:00.000-07:00

Those false labor pains you can get when pregnant... They feel like the real thing, so much so that many an expectant mother has ended up at the hospital only to be turned away with the inevitable "false alarm". Braxton Hicks, false alarm....leads me to why I am sitting on my living room sofa instead of a hospital room in the bay area. I spent all evening getting ready for my trip, making plans for the girls, getting the house in order, doing the laundry, the dishes, writing out detailed daily activity logs, just make sure I had all the bases covered. I arranged for pick ups, drop offs and back ups. This morning I got up early to finish my orders, to pack the car and make sure I had my addresses and phone numbers at the ready. The girls were dressed, the lunches and backpacks packed and then I got the first call. "we may have a problem." There was some waiting, some phone calls back and forth before we finally got the official word for the day. The bed at Kentfield did not open today, so we go back to being on red alert. We are shooting for tomorrow, again. Hoping.

TOMORROW< CONFIRMED!

2010-04-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

I just got a message that he moves tomorrow morning at 09:00am! They have scheduled transport to pick him up then and start the journey to Kentfield! I am moving forward with plans for the girl as I plan to stay with him thru Sunday. FINALLY! Tomorrow, Tomorrow, We'll move him tomorrow, we're only a day aaaawaaay......

Any day now....

2010-04-05T22:09:00.000-07:00

The girls and I got back from our trip over to the coast. We had a really nice time. A pretty quiet time, but quiet is really what we needed. The first day we spent most of it hanging around the house and watching movies. H spiked a little fever and seemed tired but otherwise had no symptoms. She perked up by the next day and was racing around again by yesterday. Saturday brought our busiest day with time for shopping in Mendocino, an afternoon playing in the waves at Caspar and some scenic exploring in Little River. We were fortunate enough to stay in a lovely house in the Redwoods, and the kids had an amazing easter egg hunt in the midst of a small clearing surrounded by huge redwood trees, it was gorgeous and they had a great time running around trying to find all of the eggs. We got back last night to snow flurries. Just enough to be bothersome while I was trying to unload two kidlets and all of our stuff from the car, but by morning it was pretty much gone. The girls slept in a little this morning, and then we headed up to see him. He was tired when the girls were there and slept in his chair, they went home with Nana while I stayed with him for a few more hours. We got his hair cut and moustache groomed in anticipation of his big move.He woke up and we watched CSI and did our bills. I still take them with me every month and talk to him about the expenses as I write out the checks. We are literally waiting for the phone call. It can be any day now. As soon as a bed opens up he is moving. They have transport standing by. I have my bag packed and in the car. Any day now.....

Red Alert.....

2010-04-02T10:24:00.000-07:00

This has been a crazy week. They all are it seems. Maybe that is just to be the way of our life for awhile longer. I finally got the long anticipated signed agreement to send him to Kentfield. Which was a huge relief, but it put us on red alert. Red alert because he is moving as soon as they have a bed available. I got the call on Monday that a bed might be available Wednesday and to be prepared in case. I frantically ran around trying to get all of my ducks in a row, while maintaining the girls regular schedule. S came up to stay with me for a couple of days so that I could get all of my orders out and the all the details worked out for the girls.I packed a bag and put it in the truck, much like when I was pregnant. The bag packed, waiting for the call. Ready to go at a moments notice. Of course when Wednesday rolls around, the bed is not available so he is not moving yet. The bag is still in the truck. When I spoke to the NCM she did not think it would be until the beginning of next week now that it is a holiday weekend. So I switched gears again, and kept to my original plan for Easter weekend. We came over to the coast with K & C. It was where we spent last Easter and several before that. I made sure the NCM had my contact information so that if anything changes, I can go off to Kentfield from here and meet up with him there. But for now we are here relaxing, remaining on red alert, but trying to give the girls a memory. A good memory. We are in a different place this year, as the memories are strong, and he is everywhere with us. The girls have been excited, wanting to come over, but still when I picked up H from school, after the big grins, there was a silence. H said "I really want to go to the beach, but it won't be the same without Daddy." No it won't, I agreed. He leaves such a big void, it hard not to step in it. You turn around and it is there. He makes everything fun, finds humor in everything. His mind is always working, it is hard to believe that it might not be working for him now. That he is not thinking ahead, trying to find his intro. We are here and he is there, and we miss him. It is good to be here, good to be away. It is raining and misty in the redwoods but we are all here together, playing games, kids piled up watching movies, cooking good food and enjoying each others company. I know this is where he would want us to be. We miss him, we are waiting. We are still on red alert...anytime now.

Strength, Integrity, and Societies way....

2010-03-28T12:08:00.000-07:00

I finally decided it was time to take the girls to see a therapist. It is something that I have been thinking about for a long time. I spoke to their pediatrician and thought for a long time about how to introduce it. I decided first to see someone myself and see if it would help me to figure out the right time and way. I found someone that was recommended to me and went for several weeks. It was not the right fit. She was a lovely person, full of compassion and a good listener, but she didn't quite get me. She thought the way that I handled my children was "noble", she admired my strength. She believed that not everyone would have "strength" in this situation. I told her that I believed that was their failing not my strength. I believe that people have to buck up and take care of business. If they don't, I think it is selfish and self indulgent. I think when we have children we have a responsibility to them first and foremost. She thought there were people who just weren't capable. I believe they don't want to be capable. I believe that people can "do it" they just don't want to.I believe that this whole phenomenon in our society is a direct result of parents who think it is their job to raise "happy" children instead of raising responsible adults. We aren't always happy, we don't always get what we want, learn some coping skills and get over it. I understand this is not always a popular philosophy, but still one we have always subscribed to wholeheartedly. I tried to help her understand me and how I work, I encouraged her to come here and read what I have written to help her better understand me. She did not, and every time I was there I felt that I had to reinvent the wheel, just having to go over everything that had transpired the weeks before. A kind person, who had empathy for me, but did not understand me. I was reluctant to seek out a new one. It was exhausting to add another chore to my never ending list. D has been nudging me for sometime to give it another try. Earlier it was easy to be lulled into thinking that it could wait, but as time has gone on, and H has had more questions, I decided to give it another go. I called the pediatrician and got a list of names and started working from there. There was the usual few that don't return your calls, that don't treat children as young as mine, the ones that don't take your insurance, and those that have the strangest messages on their answering machines, that make you wonder how they ever get anyone to request a call back. I finally found one who would see the girls and fit the rest of my criteria. It was a bonus that she was also an art therapist. I thought this would work especially well for H. I had the first appointment by myself to make sure that this would work out. When I got to her office, I was nervous that it would be a repeat of the last time. We went into her sitting room, and she started by telling me that she had read almost all of what I had written on the blog. It was a relief that we had a frame of reference and I did not have to spend the entire visit explaining all that has happened. So far so good. The next words made my heart sink "I admire your strength", I thought "oh, no" she is going to tell me how not everyone could do it and it is going to be a repeat of the last time. I will spend all of my time trying to explain myself to someone. But her next words changed my mind. "I admire the commitment you have to maintain the integrity of the family and values that you and your husband created." Yes that is it. Exactly. Maintain whatever part of the structure of our family that I can. Maintain it for the security of my children, for their familiarity, their comfort, their well being. The girls had their first appointment this week, they went together and met in the art studio, they came out happy and chattering with framed self made art work under their arms. They want to go back. They liked her. They liked their studio time. This just might work..........

The Closer you get.......

2010-03-27T17:32:00.000-07:00

The Closer You Get (Alabama)

The closer you get, the further I fall
I'll be over the edge now in no time at all
I'm fallin' faster and faster and faster with no time to stall
The closer you get, the further I fall

The things that you say to me
The look on your face
Brings out the man in me
Do I see a trace in your eyes of love

The closer you get, the further I fall
I'll be over the edge now in no time at all
I'm fallin' faster and faster and faster with no time to stall
The closer you get, the further I fall

Could I be dreamin'
Is this really real......

Yes it is REAL! I have in my hot little hand, a copy of the signed agreement to send him to Kentfield!!!!! It has been such a long time coming, a move much needed, for him, for us. The case manager for WC will be contacting Kentfield next week to arrange to have someone from the hospital come down and "meet" him. They will then go back and begin the preparations for his move. They are also arranging to do the CT scan on the way to the new facility so that it will be less confusing for him to be moved around. I am with him now, the girls with K this weekend. He is as always, physically maintaining. His eyes have been very bright, very open and we have spent the afternoon alone in the park. We frequently hear planes overhead and he often stops and cocks his head as if listening to them. I tell him about our life and all that is going on, he often murmers and make sounds appropriate to our conversation. I do not know what is going on in there. I do not know if we will ever have all of the answers that we seek, but we will keep seeking to give him the best opportunities possible. We are still waiting on so many things, so many unknowns. We are still waiting but at least we are waiting with intent. The closer you get.......

Still Waiting......

2010-03-26T01:01:00.000-07:00

So we are supposedly getting closer to our move. I was told last week that we were expecting resolution by Friday or Monday at the latest. It was really good to hear that, but then I got home and had a message on my answering machine. This was from the WC Nurse Case manager, and she said she was sure I had already heard that he had been approved for a month at Kentfield but that they could not move him until the latter part of this week. She also went on to say that they were working with the hospital to make the arrangements and would also be arranging the CAT scan. ??????!!!!! Of course this was wonderful news! But I have become jaded by this process and was hesitant to throw myself into the decision, not knowing what else they were going to throw my way. I contacted my attorney and relayed the information that was left on my answering machine. I wanted him to give me confirmation of this decision before I started making plans. That was last Friday. Tomorrow marks a week. He has been trying to get that confirmation for me all week, and still they are dancing around the issue. Still they do not confirm these plans for me. Still they make us wait without a firm plan in place. The one thing that continues to give me hope for the move is Kentfield. They have been requesting his records, charts and tests. It makes me feel that they are preparing for his arrival. Everyone at the hospital in Redding are encouraging us, are hoping for his move. We can feel the tension in the air. Not a bad tension, just a tightness that lets you know something is going to snap soon. It is almost palpable. We are here, we are still waiting.

Have you ever caught a leperchaun?

2010-03-21T14:22:00.000-07:00

Every year we make traps to try to catch a leprechaun. He threw himself into this endeavor more than Christmas. He and the girls would have a special evening and make all kinds of traps from simple to elaborate in hopes of catching a leprechaun. They would carefully make the traps and set them all around the house. They would range from an oatmeal can with a set of Lego stairs, to a carefully set up jail that he constructed. They would place something shiny in the trap to entice the leprechaun. The "jail" was a box that he cut windows in and carefully bent wire through to form little bars for the windows. The most elaborate one was a snare trap made from a plastic parachute from one of those army parachute guys that you throw up in the air. He had it rigged to some sort of pulley system attached to the door of the guest bedroom. If you opened the door it would spring the trap and it would rise up to hang from the door frame. His imagination has known no bounds. The hope of course is to catch a leprechaun so he can lead you to his pot of gold. The leprechauns are know around our house for playing naughty tricks on us. They have put green food coloring in our hair while we are sleeping, they have covered us with shamrock stickers, they have tinted the milk and the toilet water green, they sometimes make messes around the house, they have been known to bring us Lucky Charms and then dump them out on the dining room table to make a big mess. The girls are always delighted to see what terrifically naughty things they decide to do from year to year. This year was a different year. S had come to our house to visit us for a few days, and then took the girls back home with her for a few days since they were on spring break. St. Patrick's Day fell during the time that she had them with her. Before I left, I handed over my back of props that I had been collecting; chocolate coins (to put in the sprung traps), green glasses and headbands, lucky charms etc. I knew that she would be able to pull off this little feat as she never does anything in a small way. Sure enough, they were busy making their traps when H had a little meltdown. She was so upset, not being able to remember how Daddy had made them, she wanted them to be just like Daddy's and she was afraid that she had forgotten. S has a way with her and was able to talk to her, and calm her and go on to finish and enjoy the rest of the experience. They were very excited when they returned to tell me all about their adventures, and how they were not successful. H also told me about her meltdown and how she just wanted it to be exactly like the way that Daddy did it, and how she didn't ever want to forget. I held her and reassured her that Daddy would want her to make new traps, and keep improving on the old ones. I told her that Daddy would want her to try new things and to keep trying to outsmart those naughty leprechauns. She processed all of this, and seemed to accept it. We have to keep trying, to be one step ahead, keep moving forward. Just like chasing leprechauns.

The Cost...

2010-03-15T01:21:00.000-07:00

The cost. You know that is what it all boils down to. You know that is what they are worried about, what they are trying to mitigate. But there are other costs involved. Costs that are much more valuable than dollars. I often wonder what this time has cost him. If it has cost him time with us, if it has cost him recovery time. Or perhaps it has cost him nothing. There might not be anything left to be done. But those are things that I cannot know without the tests and proper care. I cannot make decisions about the rest of his life without knowing the cost. There are costs I do know. Costs that I can see. I don't know what this time that has been wasted has cost him, but I do know what it has cost us. It has strained the family to the very seams. It has kept everyone in an exaggerated state of tension for such a long time. It has forced us all to watch him, looking for every little sign, with no proof to back them up. I know what it has cost my children to stay in this limbo. I know what it has cost them to live for months without their father, neither being able to grieve or be encouraged. I know what it has cost them. It has cost them their innocence and carefree attitudes. That is a high price. I do not know who thinks they have the right to make these decisions for my family, but I resent it. I do not know if anything will or would have made a difference. I do not know if this time has cost him anything or everything. I know that he deserves the right to find out. That we all deserve that right. That my girls have the right to be given a future. Nothing is certain in this life, we all know that now. But there is security in safety and predictability for all us, but especially for children. They deserve to at least have that. The deserve the right to prepare for their future. The deserve the right to grieve or encourage and to know the time for each. It has cost alot, and the tally keeps going higher and higher as each hour passes. It is a travesty. It is unfathomable and unforgivable. It is a price that should not have been paid. It is a cost too great for small children to bear. They have already paid so much.

Still here, still waiting...

2010-03-08T07:56:00.000-08:00

It is Monday morning and we returned last night from another visit with him. The girls had an incredible weekend, full of fun. They went skiing with MAC on Friday since they were out of school. They have picked right up where he left off with them last year. They both ski on their own, no bunny hills for these girls! They ride the lift up and ski down. Both are just like him and love it. They love the snow, the skiing and riding the lift (or swing as they called it). I am so thankful that this is a passion that MAC shares with him, and in fact had spent many days with him and the girls on the mountain. Saturday brought more snow fun, when R & D took them all snow mobiling. They all took turns racing around the meadow and both girls came back with smiles, and a love for a new snow sport. I spent some time at home on Friday getting my house back in order after the previous weeks marathon cupcake baking sessions, the birthday festivities and the random house projects and organizing that I cannot seem to stop no matter how busy I am. I am sure it is some sort of coping mechanism. Then I headed up to see him. I was met at the hospital with more stories of his antics. I was told that he had lifted his leg on command several times in the presence of several people. I was told that he had stuck his tongue out for another nurse. She asked him to do it then, and my heart sunk to my knees when I saw him open his mouth and thrust his tongue out just beyond his teeth. It seems too coincidental that these things keep happening. I know that there would be a certain element of chance, but then isn't there also the possibility that he is doing it intentionally? It is so hard to know, so confusing. And so still we sit, still here, still waiting....

Happy Birthday to Her.....

2010-03-03T22:34:00.000-08:00

Saturday was her 6th birthday, and it was celebrated with much fanfare. After our rough previous week, she started to get excited about her big day. On Thursday she got to celebrate with her class, and we made cupcakes with sprinkles, her favorite, and butterfly gift bags for the class. Friday was her big reading recital, and all of the parents went to the class and sat with their children and had their child read to them. E and I went and listened to H read all of her letterbooks that she has been working on all year. I spend hours there helping, and I was still amazed at how much they had produced, and how well they all did. What she wanted most for her birthday was to spend it with her daddy. We came home on Friday to bake another round of cupcakes so we could take them with us to see him. Saturday she was up bright and early, and delighted to find presents, balloons and a banner to greet her at the breakfast table. We gathered our things and headed north. We were blessed with a beautiful sunny day, and were able to have our little party outside. When we got there MB had already brought him the park area. He was waiting with gifts for his big girl. She was happy to open her presents, visit with her dad, play in the sunshine and then decorate cupcakes there on the picnic table. She was happy and excited. We got home that night to bake another round of cupcakes to take with us to her party on Sunday. On Sunday we had our big party at the skating rink. It was her 3rd birthday that we have celebrated there. They were wonderful to us. Are always wonderful, but exceptionally so this year. Went out of their way to make sure we had what we needed and took care of all of the details. (thank you D!) She had a great time. Her class was there with their families, all of our close family and friends, and she was the queen of her own ball. She even received a set of Cinderella's glass slippers for her birthday! After such lows the week before, I was just so glad to see her so happy. To see that she enjoyed herself so much. She is an amazing little person, and I am so proud of her. We came home that night to unpack her bounty, take some time to unwind and yes you guessed it, bake another batch of cupcakes. This time for Dr. Seuss' birthday celebration at school. On Tuesday I cooked and read green eggs and ham four times in classroom stations. It has been another busy week. Alot of work, but worth every minute to see her so happy. Happy and distracted. Happy Birthday to Her....

Agony....

2010-02-25T23:37:00.000-08:00

Eviscerated. Again. I keep wondering if it would be as painful if I saw it coming. They had been bouncing off the walls all evening. Playing games, chasing each other, seemingly happy. H had a great day at school, getting to celebrate her birthday with her classmates. She dressed herself from head to toe, ankle length floral sundress over a long sleeve tee shirt, rainbow striped tights and black glitter flats. I did not have the heart to have her change, as she was so excited about her day and had obviously put some thought into what she wanted to wear. To top her outfit off, she got to wear a paper crown all day at school. She was delighted. When I picked her up, she was happy, dancing. The good spirits continued through the evening, they even went to bed without incident or complaint. So that is why it took me by surprise. I was doing my usual evening picking up, when I walked by their room. I glanced in the door and saw H slumped on the floor clutching her bear, and quietly sobbing. I went to her and sank down in front of her and asked her what was wrong. She lifted her tear streaked face to me and said "mommy I miss him too much". She told me that she just wanted him to wake up right now. She missed hugging him when he came from work. She missed watching movies with him. She missed playing blocks with him. She missed wrestling with him. She missed going to the playground with him. She said that she made a wish on her cupcake at school today, that he would just wake up, and it didn't work. She said she just wanted him to get up and play with her and not just sit around in a wheelchair doing nothing. She said she draws him pictures to make him happy so he will wake up and we can be a family again. She said it is not the same without him, we are not the same family without him. She said she just wants him to hug her and hold her. She said she doesn't want him to give up. What could I say to my small daughter, just on the cusp of her 6th birthday? She has been amazing, she has done so well. I sat with my child and sobbed in her tiny arms. I just kept saying "I know" over and over again. Not knowing what else I could say that could possibly make any kind of a difference. Children by nature live in the moment, and here we have asked them to live in limbo for 8 months. We have given them no answers, nothing tangible, just hope. Hope is a difficult concept for adults to grasp, let alone children. Some have wanted to say things to them like "he will get better" , but I have refused. I will not lie to them. I will not have gone through months of this, only to have to start back at square one. They have to know how things are, they have to see where we are. Not to say that I do not make it as "pretty" as possible for them. They do not go in the hospital room, they only see him up in his chair, either outside or in the cafeteria. He is always, dressed, shaved, and has a little gift in his hands for them. That is as pretty as I can make it. But I won't lie to them. I hope, but I will not allow myself to throw myself into it, I do not have that luxury. I have them. I don't even hope for my husband, my partner or my friend. I only hope for their father. If they could have a small piece of that, it would be enough. If they could have that, I would give up everything else. As a parent, there is no greater pain, than watching your child suffer, and to be helpless to stop it. This is not a scraped knee or even a broken arm, this is so much worse. It is agony.

Just another manic monday...

2010-02-22T23:07:00.000-08:00

It's just another manic Monday
I wish it was Sunday
'Cause that's my funday
My I don't have to runday
It's just another manic Monday...

D said that song was running thru her head today, and it is funny because it also has been running through mine. We went up to see him this weekend. I was meeting up with MAC on Sat to drop the girls, and on the way up, I heard a funny sound and pulled over twice on the way up to check the tires. I could not find anything, then once we got there I took a closer look and found a bubble on my rear tire. I knew better than to tempt my luck, so I just called AAA (Thank you R & D!) and he came out and changed my tire for me. He said he was surprised I hadn't lost the tire on the way up. A very close call. It was funny, S had been up in the week, helping me finish some projects at the house. We (she) got alot accomplished, and we celebrated her birthday before the girls and I headed north. As I was leaving her, I had an image of her in my rearview mirror looking at my tires, and it just stuck with me. When I heard the sound later, that image came back. It was a good thing. I was going to go to the tire store today and have them replaced, but it was manic Monday. We had our usual school, dropping orders at the post office, working in the classroom, swimming lessons and Costco kind of day. I think the whole week is going to be like that. H has decided that she wants to go back to dancing class, and no I do not need to add another thing to my schedule, but I do to hers. He would want that. Want them to be "doing". So dancing class tomorrow. The girls had a good visit with him yesterday. The weather cooperated and we got to take him outside to the park. The girls danced and played hide and seek and tag, and laughed and crawled all over him. E has decided to sit on his lap, she has come to it in her own time, and she is ready. She sits on his lap like a little royal princess sitting on her throne. She perches there and chatters to him in her tiny elmer fudd voice. It is a sight to behold. They love him so much, we love him so much. Then we come home to start another week. Another manic Monday...

Back in the Saddle again...

2010-02-17T23:45:00.000-08:00

So here we are again, back in the saddle again. This ain't my first rodeo, I held my 8 seconds last time, we will see how we do this round. I contacted the director of the Kentfield facility, and was told he is still eligible for their program. It turns out they had only authorized the hospital payment for 1 week. This ain't the hospital's first rodeo with WC either it seems. They have danced before. It seems there has been a time or two where they have authorized a very short segment of time, only to have payment refused for continued care. Their position is that they have to have preauthorization for an adequate length of stay before they will go through the whole process of moving him. So what does all that mean? The ball is back in their court. They said they would send him to Kentfield, but time will tell if they were sincere in that intention or if they were just paying me lip service. It is all lined up. The bull is in the chute. It is their job to open the gate. If they do not authorize the stay, then I will know they have been stalling again. Again wasting his precious time, for their own money game. If that is the case, it will make me angry. Very angry. I hope that is not the case. Both the doctors at Kentfield and the doctors at their own suggested facility Sutter, agree on a very important point. He needs to be moved. NOW. He needs an aggressive course of treatment, and it needs to start now. It is the only way we will know what he might be capable of. We don't know what this time has cost him, what it is costing him as it ticks away. For now, we are back in the saddle again. Waiting for that chute to open......

Happy Valentine's Day..

2010-02-14T20:33:00.000-08:00

In that still and settled place
There's nobody but you.
You're where I breathe my oxygen,
You're where I see my view.
And when the world feels full of noise,
My heart knows what to do.
It finds that still and settled place
and dances there with you.

I had planned on spending the day with him, but E got sick. We ran up yesterday so I could spend a few hours with him, and she could get cuddled by nana. We came home last night and when we got home, E tossed her cookies. It was fast and she went right to bed. This morning she woke up, fever broken and in good spirits. She was still sluggish and we had a quiet day. Then this evening she came to me and said her tummy hurt. I pulled her onto my lap, and she let out a loud burp. I asked her if she felt better now, and her eyes got huge and she opened her mouth to say something. However what came out was not words. All over her, all over me, 4 times in rapid succession. I cleaned us up, bundled her up, and tucked her in for the night. Of course the other one, the one who has his energy, and never gets sick, she was fine. Bouncing off the walls fine. Finally got her off to bed. Happy Valentine's Day.

Snafu....

2010-02-10T20:34:00.000-08:00

I think I must have been a serial killer in a previous life. It is the only thing that I can think of. Who else has this kind of luck? We have run into a snafu. So after months of dragging their feet, failing to respond, and throwing wrenches into my carefully laid plans, WC finally gets proactive and tells the hospital to start making plans for his transfer. So the hospital calls Kentfield and tries to start the paperwork, and Kentfield tells them he is not eligible to be admitted at this time. I went through this the first time, when I originally made the plans back in October to have him moved. I called the head of the department and spoke to the CFO to get the facts. At that time, they told me that they could not admit him with WC pending, they had to have written guarantee of payment. Today, after I got that news I got back on the phone over there and started the process of untangling this mess to see what the status really is. It is probably going to take a few days to shake it all out and see what we are left with. Of course. The icing on the cake of course is that WC, the same people who have drug this whole thing out for months, heard that Kentfield said he was not eligible and immediately responded with " Oh, we heard he can't get in, so can we start making arrangements to transfer him to our choice in facility" Yeah. Right. Not even close. Tomorrow I will be fielding phone calls in between school valentine celebrating. One more day in the life. One more thing. Another wrench. Another snafu...

FINALLY!!!!!

2010-02-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

It is Christmas? No. My birthday? Nope.Did I win the Lottery? Nada. What could be better than that? The phone call I got today! They have agreed to send him to Kentfield!!!!!! The full evaluation process at Kentfield is 8 weeks for the Coma Stim program. They have only authorized 2 weeks, but that is 2 weeks more that we had last week! They agreed to move forward and initiate the process. What does this mean? Paperwork will be shuffling back and forth between the hospital where he is and the doctors at Kentfield. Kentfield will send a representative to meet and evaluate his needs, and they will go back to Kentfield and prepare for his move. They will then organize transport with the hospital where he is, and he will be on his way. We will go over with him, see him settled. And we will wait. We will wait and see what they can tell us. They will try to give us a better idea of where he is and what we can expect. Keep your fingers crossed. This is it. His big shot. If he has something to tell us, this is where they will help him find his voice. If he does not, then we need to know that too. The end of limbo. Purgatory. Answers. Questions. Relief. Expectations. Peace. Information. Rest. Finally.

A Shell Game...

2010-02-04T00:25:00.000-08:00

It is a shell game. It feels that way sometimes. I am here trying to get through each and every day. We have a busy schedule, some is unavoidable, but some is self imposed. Self imposed because I have to fill the days and the hours both for the girls and for myself. So we keep busy. We keep moving, I find things to keep the girls busy during the week, and try to find things to keep my mind busy. I know it is a big shell game. We all know the ball is hidden there but we keep moving those shells around and around to keep us distracted. Then something will happen to rock my boat. It can come from the oddest place. Something can hit a chord, something from television, something someone says. It is then that I realize how tenuous it all really is. How everything is just below the surface. I was watching a show the other evening where someone was commenting to the husband that his wife was very strong and did he ever find that threatening. He responded by telling the other person that he was her husband, and it was his job to make her feel safe. That she had taken care of herself since she was young, and that it made her feel safe to organize and control her environment, including him. That as her husband it was his job to make her feel safe, and that he loved her and he could give her that. He has always been that husband. He has always understood me, and has never been threatened by it. So I sat in my living room, watching this show, with tears running down my face, and sobbing, just sobbing. I had been moving those shells back and forth, and all around, knowing that ball was under there somewhere, but not knowing when I would uncover it. And there on the couch long after the girls were in bed, it appeared. I know it is there, hidden from sight, and things keep moving and shifting, but sooner or later it will be revealed. It is all about odds.

Long time no talk..

2010-01-31T08:21:00.000-08:00

I think this has been my longest time between posts. What has been happening? Alot. I had my first time alone since this whole thing began, when I went down to LA for my industry trade show last weekend. The week before I was frantically running around trying to make sure that I had all of my ducks in a row and was not forgetting anything. MB and I had a perfect coordination with my driving to the airport with girls and suitcases in tow. I pulled up in front of the terminal, unloaded my bags, and she loaded hers in, and hopped into the drivers seat. That was the beginning of 3 days of mental disconnect for me. I flew down to A&M and stayed with them the first night, then A and drove to LA for the show. We spent 2 days walking, walking, walking. It was good for both of us I think and nice to have time to be with just my sister as we have not had that time alone in a long time. She helped me organize and fill out paperwork for the vendors, and scout the booths as we walked by. We stayed the night in LA with M and the baby joining us at night and for breakfast the next day. We finished our last day at the show and met back at their house. It was good to rest, good to be out of my life for a little while, nice to spend time with the baby without little people trying to compete with me for the smiles. MB and I had an equally well choreographed trade off on the way home. This time it was later so N pitched in and stayed with the girls at home so they could be in their beds at normal bedtime. MB got to dive into the experience for those 3 days. She had a birthday party, school for both of them, packing lunches, weather, helping at school and swimming lessons. She did great. After I unpacked and settled in i snuck up to see him while the girls were in school. K picked them up for me so I could make the run. He looks good of course. He always looks good. He seems to look at me and I continue to wonder what is going on in that brain of his. His roommate told me that he was trying to talk in his sleep. He said it happened several nights in a row. Said it sounded like Stellla or Still Here. I would like to think it was the latter of course. I hope it is the latter. I hope he is still there. I made it back home to finish out the school week, before preparing to come back up. R & R came back up on Friday to finish the hookup of that fancy generator. All of the work R has been organizing and getting done, then we were at the mercy of the propane company and when they could come and change their fittings. FINALLY!! They did and I think R was relieved to see it all done. Now that means 8 seconds of no power and that baby fires up. I don't have to worry about little girls in the dark or not having heat. It is good. I took the girls to meet up with K & C and they took them up to Shasta to spend the night. MA met up with them and they all spent the day skiing on the mountain. I spent the day with him, telling him what they were doing and giving him the updates. Then we picked out books to order for the girls scholastic book order and wrote out our bills. Later we sat by the window and read. We started a new book and are already about 1/3 done. He was very relaxed all day and comfortable. MA brought the girls back to R&D's and we all spent the night here. We are getting ready to go back to see him this morning, then have to head home early so the girls can bathe and be in bed early. 100 days of school celebration tomorrow. 100 days of school and he has missed every one of them. I still look at him and hear his voice in my head. I see his smile, and the crinkling of his eyes when his face splits in half to grin that big gappy toothed grin. I can't believe it has been so long since I have actually heard it. So long since I have heard him talk, and talk and talk. Long time no talk..

Face Value...

2010-01-20T22:40:00.000-08:00

The days pass by, they flow into weeks, and now even months. It is a very tangled web. He is gone, yet still here. He is absent from our home, yet one our minds every minute of every day. We spend our weeks trying to function without him, yet our weekends trying to find a way to function with him. It is very confusing. It is complicated. Life continues to move forward, yet has frozen. We still have hope, yet have to deal with reality. A friend sent me a card with a quote from Eckart Toele "There are two things you have no control over, what happened in the past and what happens in the future." You can only live in the present. I know it is true, but it is still a hard pill to swallow. We spent the weekend with him. I saw him Saturday, Sunday and Monday. The girls got to come to see him on Monday before we headed home. As usual, he had a little surprise in his hands for them to find. They love to see what he has found for them, and of course the great thing about kids is that they take it at face value. It is an amazing gift to be able to accept simply what is in front of you. Children have it, we lose it as we grow up. We ask so many questions, challenge what we see, try to predict what is coming next. Of course as we grow and take on new responsibilities, we have to lose some of it. We discover what it means to be let down, disillusioned, unprepared, and taken by surprise. We try to prepare ourselves, and our loved ones. To protect ourselves from unexpected events. It is amazing how tenuous that illusion is. What an elaborate game of smoke and mirrors we erect for ourselves, and spend so much time in our lives trying to maintain. Then you see a moment. A child taking a simple gift from her father's unmoving hands. She never asks where he got it or how he got it. She just smiles in delight and thanks him. Curls against him and looks at him with loving eyes. Taking it all at face value. It is humbling.

Sick, Sick and Tired, and Sick.....

2010-01-16T11:18:00.000-08:00

The girls have been sick this week. The school called on Wed. that H was in the office not feeling well. That morning she had been quiet, and I asked her if she was feeling alright. No fever and she said fine, so I took her word for it and dropped her at school. I was attributing the quiet to her recent experimenting with sullenness. But alas no, by 2pm she had spiked a low fever and was in the office. Luckily this time I was running errands in town, and was able to run over and get her quickly. We came home and she spent the next two days parked on the couch. Medium fever, not much interested in eating, but taking plenty of fluids. Even when she is sick, that kid is a trooper. E came up with a lower and milder version of sisters symptoms that evening, so we settled in to wait it out. They were great. Lots of movies, snuggling, stories and Popsicles. The first night I ended up with H in my bed after she woke up with a nightmare about skeletons. The second night, E came toddling in at 3 am, upset about something, but between her Elmer Fudd annunciation and my foggy 3am brain, I never could quite grasp what the problem was. She went right back off to sleep, so it wasn't too traumatic. By the third night, blissfully they stayed in their own beds for the whole night. I have been fighting my annual allergies, but have remained holding the upper hand. MAC came up last night, and spent the night, swooping the girls off this morning, giving me a little bit of time to myself to sweep up the remains of the week. I am glad they are feeling better, and they are. You could tell of course by squabbling that has started again. This year has been the most any of us have ever been sick. Sick, sick, sick and tired.

Thank you, again....

2010-01-12T21:32:00.000-08:00

So you know that R planned another day up here to finish up some projects. He brought some of his usual crew, R & D and BB met them here. I want to thank TD, DA, CN and JR from the SO for coming up to help them. R had asked for a couple extra hands to help with the propane piping for the generator, and I really appreciate that they came up on such short notice and got it all done in record time. R said it worked out perfectly, then they stayed and helped get some of my heavy items into the trash, I REALLY appreciated that! It turned out that their presence was even more precipitous than was expected. I heard that T went down to the pump house, where they had done some previous work, and found that a valve had broken and water was leaking. They were able to quickly fix it with some parts they found in the shop. R & D spent some more time working in the shop on the electrical, I think they are intimately aware of why he always called this place "PJ's curse" (PJ being the former owner who quite fancied himself a jack of all trades, but sadly was master of none, especially anything related to construction, electrical or plumbing) When they went back under the house to hook in the generator electrical, and found another leak, this time in a hot water pipe under the house. This was a little more complicated and required a couple of trips to town and some welding. It was very lucky that they were here this weekend and that they found the leaks or it would have been a very expensive power bill next month. Unbelievable fortunate that they were here. Thank you. It was a very long day for them, and I so appreciate it. I have long had my list of projects that I have been slowly working through. I thought that I was managing them, prioritizing them, and marking them off the list. I have to say though, that R came and knocked some of them right off the list and others that I have not even thought of. He is really good at this, both the organization and the implementation. I thought at first that I should be trying to help and plan. I soon realized that he was really only humoring me and my help was not needed. I relinquished my facade of control and we are all the better for it. I appreciate not having to worry about this. It has made our staying here in the house so much easier. It has made it possible. I really appreciate that. Thank you, again.

The Toothless Wonder....

2010-01-10T22:09:00.000-08:00

So she has been jealous of M for weeks. He has lost 3 teeth and had three visits from the tooth fairy. She has been running around telling everyone that her tooth is loose. I stand behind her and silently shake my head, as the questioning eyes look up at me. This had been going on for several weeks, and I had gotten to the point where I was placating her without really checking anymore. Then last Monday, I thought I should probably check them again. When I looked in her mouth again, the teeth were still not loose, but there was something else I noticed....two permanent teeth right behind the bottom front ones! Coincidentally I had a dentist appointment the following day. The girls came with me and I had the dentist take a look at her. He confirmed what I already expected...... they had to come out. They had an opening the following day so we made the plan. We broke the news to her and she was.......excited! Thrilled even. I gave full disclosure, told her about the shot, but dreams of the tooth fairy far outweighed any ogres I could throw at her. So we walked out of there, my oldest child, walking on air because she was getting her teeth pulled, and my youngest child crying because she was not getting her teeth pulled and she wanted to. (obviously the eldest child is not the only one experiencing some jealousy) I am only glad they could get her in the next day as I don't know how much longer I could take listening to how the tooth fairy was going to bring her a diamond ring. The next morning she woke up excited and we headed down the hill. She had one moment of trepidation when she was in the chair and the shot came out, but she quickly got over it. Not a tear was shed. Not a cry escaped those lips, she was incredibly brave. And focused. She wanted the teeth, to give to the tooth fairy. We left the dentist and went to school. After we dropped off her sister, E looked at me and said "mommy I no want my teeth out now", very seriously. I assured her it was not on the horizon for her. H was happy to be able to show off her teeth at sharing time. After school she got ice cream to celebrate her bravery. This however was overshadowed by what came next........a phone call from the tooth fairy! Yes she called to check and make sure that there were really going to be 4 teeth waiting for her! She said she had heard about the teeth and wanted to make sure H was not playing a trick on her. They had quite a conversation. Another day, another milestone. Another day that he missed. She is amazing. I know he would be proud of her. When I stood there by her side, holding her hand, I just kept thinking of him, and how he would have been there. How he would have stood there and held her little hand and cheered for her. He would have told her how proud he was of her. I can see in my minds eye, the scrunched up daddy face, he reserved only for them. I think again, how like him she is. Both in appearance and personality. I see her little smile and it reminds me so much of his big ol' gappy tooth grin. I think about it every day, as it is what I miss the most.

Quick Shout Out...

2010-01-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

So.... R is coming back up to my house this Sat. to finish up the installation on that fancy generator from BilM. He was going to bring a trencher but with the rain it is too muddy to use it. If anyone is available to give him a hand I would really appreciate it. He doesn't neccessarily need skilled hands, just hands I think! The girls and I will be up visiting him. I know it is short notice, but if you have some time and are willing, drop me an e-mail @ Christopherpines@yahoo.com and I will get you R's number. I could post it here publically, but you know I only do that to people who really deserve it :o) THANK YOU!

They, Him, Me, Us and Them

2010-01-05T22:22:00.000-08:00

They....you know who THEY are. THEY know who THEY are. THEY are not happy with ME, and I am not happy with THEM. THEY say THEY are helping HIM, that THEY are there for US, but WE know the reality. THEY are in it for THEM. There is no other reason that they would continue to make him wait like this. They hide behind the process, and try to drag it out as long as they can. They have held him hostage in his environment for 6 months. 6 months that we can never get back. There have been birthdays, holidays, firsts, all things that he has missed. Could he have been present anyway? That is the question. That is the only question that we are trying to have answered and they are holding it just out of reach. They wanted justification for his transfer to Kentfield. I got acceptance and recommendation from the doctor and director of the program. They wanted his doctors to give written recommendations. They did. Lengthy and descriptive recommendations. Still not good enough. When I asked for your help in your words, they accused me of "spamming" them. People expressing their concern in their own words is "spamming"? They know WE are watching. They know YOU are watching. They know that they do not just have to answer to me but that they have an entire community, his community, to answer to. Still they make us wait. They sent veiled threats. Now they want to have a meeting. A meeting with me and the doctors. The same doctors that have already recommended that he go to Kentfield. They say that they are "committed to providing him with appropriate care" but are not sure that Kentfield is the answer and want to present me with other options. Options that do not include the neuro therapy and evaluation that Kentfield would. They have taken an attitude with me from communication one. A snarky, petty attitude with the wife of a seriously injured man, who trying to pick up the pieces of their life and care for their children. A bad attitude. An attitude that has only encouraged me to be more determined to see this through to the appropriate conclusion. He is 39 years old. He has two small children. He is my husband and I will speak for him now. When these days are behind us. I have to know, with all certainty of my being that these life and death decisions were being made with every bit of information available to us. Information that a place like Kentfield is trained to give us. Are there other places that can do that? Certainly. Most of them are much further away, and many much more expensive. That is the most frustrating thing about this. It is so close. Has my resolve been challenged. absolutely. Has it wavered? Not a chance. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I have been scorned. It is US against THEM. It wasn't my choice. I didn't start this. I will however see it to the end. You see I don't have any other choice. That is the part that they don't seem to get. They go home, and move on, juggle other cases. Years from now, how they handled this case, this file, him, it will all be just a blip to them. Another name in a long line of claims. They choose how to handle this case. I do not have that luxury. There is nothing else for me to do. There are no other options. I have to fight. What is the alternative? Give up? When he is counting on me? When my children are counting on me? How could I live with myself? They throw this back at me like I should be making a choice. There is no choice. When there is no choice, there is only one path to travel. My resolve is firm.

Just another day of the week..

2009-12-31T22:43:00.000-08:00

The Monday we left was my birthday. It was just another day of the week. Another day without him, another day I missed him. I chose that day to fly down to San Diego with the girls because I knew that we would be alone and no one would make a big deal about it. I did not want to celebrate. We drove down to Sacramento and S took us to the airport. It was a day like any other day. Just another day of the week. I never thought I would be here in these shoes. I never thought I would be here alone, approaching 40 with two small children to raise. I never thought they would be essentially fatherless at the tender ages of 5 and 3. It has been six months, half a year, and it has not gotten any easier. We left Sacramento and flew down to San Diego, and A met us at the airport. It was an unremarkable day, and an unremarkable flight. The girls enjoyed the adventure and it kept all of our minds and hands busy. It was good to be away. It was good to be where there were no demands or expectations. It was good to be where we did not have a history and everything was new. It was quite simply, much needed.

Another one gone, another one gone, another one bites the dust......

2009-12-31T22:40:00.000-08:00

Year that is. Another year has come and gone. It went out with little fanfare in my house. We were all in bed before 10:30 and slept right thru the passage into the next decade. I met him in 1989, and we just passed thru 2009. Most of those years have been good years, even really good years. We have had our share of challenges and tragedy, but have always continued on. Gotten better even. Now that the worst year of our life has passed, there is a tiny bit of relief, a tiny part that I can put in a box and seal it up. I can look at that little black box and think, that was then, even though we are still living it now. I can look at that box and think that we will not have to open it again. There are still things to be dealt with and a long way to go down this path with an uncertain end. But that part that is in the box, it can stay in the box. We survived it. Not unscathed, but we have survived it. Some good has even come out of it. The good is the people. There are people I am so much closer to now. People that I know I can count on, people who have stayed the course with me. There are also those that have fractured under the weight of it all. But those that have stood with me, have brought me strength every day. We do not know what is coming, and I cannot even say that the worst is over, but that part that is in the box, it can stay in the box as we move forward. Not unscathed, but we did survive.

Life...

2009-12-31T22:29:00.000-08:00

This was given to me recently and I really liked it.

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's
workshop.'

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family,
pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county;
to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Dear Santa...

2009-12-18T22:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa...
It has been a hell of a year. I have lost my grandfather, my friend and my conscious husband. I have tried to be good, but I admit that my patience has been tried. The girls have been amazing, but the cracks are starting to show in all of us. I am not sure what this Christmas is going to bring for us, or even what you can do. I am not sure why I feel compelled to write to you, but I do. We are not expecting your usual "physical" visit this year, as who else could step into your shoes for a night but him. This will be the first Christmas the girls have not had you drop by for a visit. I decided that it would be too difficult on all of us, to be here at home. The girls and I are going to do something different this year. We are going to San Diego to be with M&A for A's first Christmas. I know that will be a good distraction for all of us, and perhaps it will make your absence less noticeable. The girls are excited about a plane ride and getting to play with their baby cousin. I found the box with your spare suit in the barn, complete with gloves, glasses and boots. I had to close it back up, as it was too hard to look at. I know that you are really busy right now and in the crunch time, so I will get right to it. Really I only have two things on my list anyway. Please make sure the girls have a good Christmas. I have tried to cover all of the bases, but let's face it, he has always been the one to pick out your gifts for the girls. I got them each a gift for him to give to them this weekend when we go up there. It will make them happy to run in to see him, and have him waiting freshly shaven with gifts in hand. It breaks the ice for them, and makes them feel connected to him for a few minutes. I have had a harder time finding something to leave out for them on Christmas. I mean what can I get for them that is going to make their eyes light up? I can think of only one thing, but of course it was not available in any store I went to. Please let them be happy for a little while and let them not feel his loss so greatly, just for a day or two. The other thing I am asking for is Hope. Hope for the new year. Hope that he gets transferred as we have been waiting for, hope that we can get the answers we have been seeking and hope that he might still be in there waiting for us to find him. I know that two items seems like a short list, but I am sure you realize after reading them, that really it is everything. I know it is a lot to ask but really they have been so good. They have tried so hard. They have been so patient. So much more patient than I and so much more than we have a right to expect. This is such a huge and amazing burden for two small girls and I can honestly say after watching them these past six months, they are their father's daughters. They are so young, so incredibly small to have to carry such a big burden and wait in limbo for so long. I am so afraid that E won't remember him and how very much he has loved her. And H, I watch her go still and see her gaze glaze over and I know what she is thinking. She knows what it is like to be adored by her daddy, and to have that taken away is so cruel. I know that I am asking alot, but if there is anything you can do, I sure would appreciate it. Drive carefully, we will see you in SD. XO L

A black and white girl in a full color world....

2009-12-15T00:11:00.000-08:00

I am strong. I am learning to embrace it. I don't know any other way to be than how I am. It is both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because it what gives me clarity, it carries me through. It is also a curse because it is what distances me from people. People seem to think that I have super human strength or that I expect them to be like me, for me. The truth is I do not have super human strength. I just cope with things the only way that I know how. Part of me shuts down and I focus on the details. I compartmentalize, I analyze, and I plan. I have to do this, it is what makes me feel in control when there is nothing in my control. I can control my actions and I can control my reactions. I also have a very strong sense of right and wrong, or black and white. That is the part I do not see as strength, that is the part that just "is" for me. That is the part that I do not doubt. I do not have trouble making a decision. It is either right or it is wrong. I do not have a problem with that, but I know others find it more challenging. I have always known that others find this intimidating. In my work life, I was able to use it to my advantage, but in my personal life it is sometimes more difficult. It causes confusion to even those closest to me. Sometimes people think they have to live to a standard that they think that I am holding. They think that I expect them to be like me. That I need them to be like me. The truth is, I do have high standards of behavior. The truth is that I also understand that everyone does not always think like me. He doesn't. He never has. One of his favorite things to tell me was "it is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission", exasperating yes, but also true. He always knew that if he gave me time to think about things, I would pull them apart in my head and analyze it to death. It would drive me crazy, but it is also why we work. I already am me, I do not need me. There are those wonderful people who are feeling like they are not helping me enough or are failing me in some way, because either they do not know what to do or because they think they cannot be like me. I am me, I do not need me. The people we surround ourselves with help to balance us, to ground us. They give us perspective and temper us. I am so fortunate to have so many people like this around me. They have given me what I need, when I need it. The truth is we all feel helpless. But they have been helpful. They have cared for my children, when I needed a break. They have cared for me when I felt alone. They have offered their support at all hours of the days or nights. They have just sat and talked with me when I felt bottled up with all of the compartments I had been carefully putting aside. They have given me what I need. They have given my children normalacy, entertainment, discipline and love, when what I had to give was not enough. This is what I have needed, this is all I have needed. There is nothing else I need that is anyone elses power to give. I know that some people see me and how I cope and think that I am doing it all, but the truth is there are people behind me. They are holding me up in the ways that I need. They don't know how much they are doing. They think that what they are doing is not enough, but it is everything.

Walking the line...

2009-12-10T23:39:00.000-08:00

Another week has passed. Days running into each other, turning into weeks, working on 6 months. It is hard to believe that so much time has passed already. In some ways it seems like forever, but in others just the blink of an eye. I can clearly remember our last conversations. I can remember every detail of the phone call I got the following morning. Our cracks are starting to show. We are all tired, exhausted really. The girls are still doing amazingly well, but when you look the signs of strain are there as well. They have been more tired, more emotional at times, missing him more. The are alternately getting excited about Christmas and talking about how much they miss him. 6 months is a long time to live in limbo, a long time to hear "I don't know", 6 months is 1/6th of E's entire life. I miss him. I miss him terribly. My children's pain, that brings me to my knees. It agonizes me. What is equally as devastating is the thought that they might not have memories as sharp as mine. I worry that his memory, his smell,the sound of his laughter, the feel of his arms around them, that those things are fading in their memories. That they might never know these things again is a pain so excruciating it makes me physically nauseous to think about. I wonder how I can possibly be everything that they need, how I can lessen that void even a little bit. It seems nearly impossible. I don't know how I can make up for this. Instead I keep them busy. I keep our life moving and schedules full. We have a regular routine, and I add to it, to keep us busy and moving daily. They are starting to get wise to it. Especially H, I think she has figured out it is all a shell game. She has also figured out my number. She knows the one card to play that will stop me in my tracks every time. "I miss my Daddy". No matter where we are or what we are doing those words make my stomach drop and she knows it. It is a fine line to walk, knowing the difference between when they need to talk about it, when they just want attention or when they are trying to divert my attention. They are smart. They are brilliant. And I am walking the line.

We've Just Begun...

2009-12-05T00:02:00.000-08:00

It has been a hectic week. First E decided to give her sister a haircut. I left them with art supplies at the table and went to check on my burn pile. When I came back in the house the art was abandoned but I found a little pile of hair in the center of the table. My gut dropped to my knees and I yelled for the girls, racing towards their room. They were calmly sitting there playing barbies. I held up the fistful of hair and questioned them. H looked up from combing her dolls hair and calmly said "She cut my hair", why did she do such a thing I asked? H said "we were playing beauty shop, but I told her not to really cut my hair, but she did anyway" I looked from one girl to the other, and they were so unconcerned about their mother standing there waving a handful of hair around. I asked H, "aren't you upset that she cut your hair?" "why?" she asked. Why? Why????? Because it makes every mother crazy that is why, I thought in my head before replying "because it ruined your hair" "Ruined my hair?" this time some mild concern. "Yes ruined your hair" "But mommy won't it grow back?" "well yes, but it will take a long time" "Oh, that's Ok, I'll wait". She'll wait? She can't wait for me to finish clearing the dishwasher before I get her juice and she will "just wait" until her hair grows back??? I marched her into the bathroom to assess the damage, a chunk out of the back and one on the side. Luckily I was able to taper the sides around her face to blend in the missing chunk. The back was a little trickier. Luckily I am the proud owner of a pair of thinning scissors and I went to town to blend in and add layers to the back. It was almost dead center. Auugghh.

We started out the whole week with the hair affair, and hit the ground running from there. I left the girls with K on Wednesday and took the time to run up for a mid week visit. I took him outside and we sat and enjoyed the crisp air and fall leaves. I spent about 2hours outside with him, telling him about the girls and playing videos of their thanksgiving feast, and other school activities. He was quiet, he was tired. I had the opportunity to talk to one of the occupational therapists, who said that she had had the best response ever from him in their session on Sunday. She said she was able able to get him to respond to her 4 out of 5 times consistently when asking him to move his arms from side to side. This was good. I got back to K's to pick up the girls and E was not feeling well. She ended up with a fever and the pukies Wednesday night. We drove down to take H to school and I came home to let E rest all day. D was so nice to pick up H for me and run her over to KP so I could let E rest until she was ready to wake up. It was really good for her. She has been in decent spirits but has been wiped out and not interested in eating much. She at least has been drinking fluids. I am not sure who is more wiped out her or I. She has been so good, but it still is hard to have one down for the count and the other bouncing off of the walls. I am tired. I think it is time for some rest.

P.S. They are "feeling the love" but not loving it so much. I have gotten more less veiled threats. I do not take kindly to threats. Sadly if they had been more civilized much of this could have been avoided. I think the message has been received, loud and clear. They do not have to answer to only the wife, but an entire community of people that are watching them to see what happens. It is important that they know that, that they continue to know that. Thank you, I appreciate the ongoing support. I know he does too. They can choose to end it at any time by doing the right thing...

We've Only Just Begun

We've only just begun to live
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we're on our way
We've only begun

Before the rising sun we fly
So many roads to choose
We start our walking
And learn to run
And yes! We've just begun

Sharin' horizons that are new to us
Watchin' the signs along the way
Talkin' it over just the two of us
Workin' together day to day, together
And when the evening comes we smile
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow
And yes! We've just begun

Sharin' horizons that are new to us
Watchin' the signs along the way
Talkin' it over just the two of us
Workin' together day to day, together, together
And when the evening comes we smile
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow
And yes! We've just begun

by The Carpenters

All's Fair in Love and War...

2009-11-30T22:08:00.000-08:00

That is how the saying goes...."all is fair in love and war" well this is love and this is war. This is my Love and we are fighting a war. We have fought to get to this point and it seems so unfair to be so close and have it remain just out of grasp. He has been waiting for WC to pick up his claim, waiting to move to the brain injury program. They have picked up his claim, but still they make him wait. They make him wait and they make me justify his being transferred. They are for the transfer but they want to dictate where, and it just so happens the "where" does not specialize in brain injury any more than the place he is in. Oh they all can give him medicine and do range of motion exercises, but is that all he deserves? He is 39 years old, a husband, a father of a 3 & 5 year old, a son, a brother, a friend, 3 time officer of the year (this year included!), in good physical health, he deserves more, he deserves a shot, he deserves his best shot. I am not asking for experimental treatment in Austria, or even another state. I am asking for the best treatment and evaluation available here, in the North State. Is that so unreasonable? Is that more than he deserves? He has had no neurological treatment or evaluation since he moved to Redding. Isn't it time? Do not get me wrong, I am not expecting this place to work miracles, but I think they are the best chance for an accurate assessment as well as a realistic picture of where we are. That is what they do. Our lives have been on hold these last few months, as we waited and worked to get here, and now that we are here, they are inventing new obstacles and then making threats to me when I challenge them. Well I am going to challenge them, so they better get used to it. This is OUR life, not a number, or a name on a claim form. This is a real man. A good man. A great man. The best man I know. And it is time to fight for him. And now I need your help.It is time to rally the troops. So Troops, let's rally! I want them to know that I will not be pushed around, or go quietly into submission. I need them to know that he deserves this chance. Someone reminded me today that there is a special place in hell for people like this, who would make threats to a family that has already lost so much. Been through so much. I think he was right. I am going to post the contact information for the WC attorney, the WC adjuster and the WC insurance company. Please write to them. Please fax them. Please e-mail them, Please call them. Do whatever you are comfortable with, but please help me speak for him, when he is unable to speak for himself. I would like it to be in your words, your voice, so they know the support that we have, the support that he has. The more they are reminded the more likely they are to put a face and a family to this wonderful man. Help me help him.

WC Attorney
Richard A. Weyuker, Esq.
Cuneo, Black, Ward & Missler
700 University Avenue, Ste. 110
Sacramento, Ca. 95825
(916) 363-8822 (fax) 363-8821
rweyuker@cbwmlaw.com
RAW@cbwmlaw.com

WC Claims adjuster
Raymond Haynes
ray.haynes@yorkisg.com
(916)960-0926

WC Insurance Company
York Insurance
P.O. Bo 619058
Roseville, CA 95661-9058
(800)922-5020 xt 0926

To quote a line from one of his old time favorite movies "they drew first blood". They started it, help me finish it. All's fair in Love and War.......

Giving Thanks...

2009-11-27T23:21:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am giving thanks to alot of people, a whole crew of people. R&D's crew of people. R has been planning this for sometime, the extent of his planning was not clear to me until today, but it is obvious he is not only good at what he does, he is great at it. He organized a crew of family and friends to come up here and take care of a few projects. I don't even know how you can thank people properly for what they did today. R had them organized into crews and they worked all day on various projects some running back forth from crew to crew. Last weekend, my BIL M made a commando run all the way up from San Diego and back again in a 24 hour period, in order to bring me a generator. A fantastic wonderful thing, that will come on AUTOMATICALLY if we lose power, how is that for fantastic. He met R here at the house while I was at the hospital, so that it would be here for the big day. R,C, K and A were all in the back making and prepping a pad for the generator to go on. On the back deck A, T, B and M, worked all day tearing out the old supports for the deck awning and replacing them with new and improved ones. R and D worked all day in the shop finishing the rewiring that R & R had started before. B & R helped me strip wallpaper border from my room, D taped and prepped and C & I painted it. S stacked up the wood he had brought the week before and ran errands back and forth all day. It was an amazing day. I was speaking to R yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner, we were talking about the plan for today. I told him how much I appreciated that they were all coming up here, and he told me "there was nothing fun for guys to do the day after Thanksgiving." Today after it was all said and done I asked him if he was sure that he wouldn't have had more fun at those Black Friday sales. He smiled and told me that he had a great time today. The smile was in his eyes. I heard those sentiments echoed all day today. They were having a great time, and I was the grateful recipient of an extreme home makeover. It was a pretty awesome experience. I cannot wait to tell him about all of the projects that were finished today. I think he will be grateful too. Tonight I am thankful, and giving thanks......Thank you.

Thankful and Faithful...

2009-11-25T20:44:00.000-08:00

He has a new roommate. We had not yet met. I had gotten to his room, and was busy about my business. I was shaving him, trimming the goatee, and going through our stretching routine, when I heard a voice on the other side of the curtain. First I heard a muffled statement, and paused, not sure if he was speaking to me. Then I heard it again. I took a step back to see the man on the other side of the curtain. He was older 70+, and he was sitting upright in his bed. I smiled at him, and said I was sorry I hadn't heard him. He looked up at me and cleared his throat, and repeated "I said I admired your faithfulness" I must have looked puzzled because he repeated it again this time adding that he had been listening to me talk, and that he admired my faithfulness to my husband. He was very sincere, and not concerned that he had been listening to my conversation. I wasn't really bothered by his eavesdropping, but rather curious by his lack of awareness of it. I spoke with him for a time. I told him that we have been together for 20 years, and it was not my faithfulness that was being challenged but his. I explained to him, that really I have no other options, but that man there in the bed, he is the one with options. He is the one who is having his faithfulness challenged. He is the one who has to chose to fight, to return to us. He is the one who is facing the unknown journey, the one who has to have faith in the unknown and the uncertain. I only have to have faith in him. That is the easy part. I have had faith in him for 20 years and he has never let me down. Aggravated me beyond belief at times, but never let me down. I have faith in him. Faith that he will do whatever he can to come back to us. He has to have faith that whatever the journey brings, he can overcome it. He has to have faith that no matter how hard it is or how long it takes, that in the end it will be worth it. I have to just have faith in him. I rest my cheek on that familiar chest, or look into those green eyes and it is easy for me to have faith in him. For that I am thankful.....

A moment too soon...

2009-11-20T21:53:00.000-08:00

It seems that I spoke too soon or that my lesson in patience is not over. It seems that while WC has decided to pay for his care, they don't seem to like the care that I chose. I only had 4 months to research it, get referrals, talk to people, doctors, and plan. I guess all of that means little to them, as they are just concerned about the geography of the hospital. It is funny to me that they would send me a letter accepting the claim and stating that they would be "working with me to provide the best care possible" for my husband, and then argue with me and and send me veiled threats when they are the ones who came late to the party. I have found the best possible place for him to go. I am willing to take the distance, to sacrifice the time, and they are concerned about geography. It is all about "utilization of resources". Well I say "Bring It". I am determined to get him there. They might not make it easy, and I might make it really difficult but I am determined. As I said to someone recently, I am the one who has to tuck his children in bed at night, and I am the one that has to look into their eyes when they tell me how much they miss him. I have to be able to look at them, and know that I have done everything possible to bring their father back to them. Everything in my power. They are the only ones that I answer to in all of this, so I say BRING IT. They want to leave me hanging for 4 months. Want to make me wonder and worry, as it came down to the final hours of his coverage, and now they want an opinion. They want the final opinion. I think not. It seems that I rested a moment too soon. Or perhaps it was the rest I needed to go on to the next battle. Well it is on, and not a moment too soon. I am rallying the troops, and we will press on.

I will follow him...

2009-11-17T00:24:00.000-08:00

I WILL FOLLOW HIM (Little Peggy March)

I will follow Him, follow Him wherever He may go,
And near Him, I always will be,
For nothing can keep me away, He is my destiny.

I will follow Him, ever since He touched my heart I knew,
There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high, it can keep,
Keep me away, away from His love.

I love Him, I love Him, I love Him,
And where He goes, I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow.

I will follow Him, follow Him wherever He may go,
There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high, it can keep,
Keep me away...

I will follow Him (follow Him),
Follow Him wherever He may go,
There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high, it can keep,
Keep me away, away from His love...

I love Him (Oh yes, I love Him)
I'll follow (I'm gonna follow)
True love (He'll always be my true, true love)
Forever (Now until forever)
I love Him, I love Him, I love Him,
And where He goes, I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow,
He'll always be my true love, my true love, my true love,
From now until forever, forever, forever...

There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high, it can keep,
Keep me away, away from His love.

Those songs are playing in my head again. It is hard to know what is going on in his head. Now that we have the WC on board, I have shifted gears and am planning the next steps for him. They have done a great job where he is, getting his body ready for the next step, but he now needs more than they can give. After doing much research and talking to many professionals, I have gotten him accepted to a a brain injury program in Kentfield. This is in Marin county. It is about a 3 hour drive from here. They will doing a series of drug therapy called "activating" drugs, they have a neuro-psychologist and many other options not available here. He is ready. We are waiting for the details to shake out, but it should be soon. People have been asking me many questions, "are you going to move there?"...of course not. Our life is here, the girls school is here, we all need stability right now. "How will you manage the long drive?"......It is a long drive, and I will not be able to be there as much, but we will make it work. We will take turns going to be with him. I am thinking of it as if he were going to school. He is going there to learn, to see what he is capable of, and that is all up to him. He still needs our support, and our protection, but we have gotten him and his body strong. He is in "fighting shape" it is his turn now. His turn to lead us. I will follow him....

With baited breath.....

2009-11-13T10:17:00.000-08:00

I was sitting at the table with friends yesterday when I got the message. I heard the familiar bleep of my phone letting me know that I have e-mail. It has been my trusty companion for the last 4 months, never far from my side. I saw the familiar name and held my breath. I could feel my stomach sink, and my fingers shake as I scrolled down the screen. It was one sentence. One very powerful sentence. When I read it, I felt my shoulders slump. I felt a warm rush of relief flow through my body. The enormous weight had been lifted. "Work Comp has accepted the claim" That statement changed everything. The last two weeks have been some of the most stressful of my life, perhaps even more stressful than those first days. You see yesterday was his last day of hospitalization coverage under his health insurance. As of this morning the hospital was going to start billing me $800.00 per day for his care. I was under the gun. I have made every phone call I could think of. I was in daily communication with my attorney, but time was running out.We filed the claim the first week this happened. It took this long. They took it all. I understand it is big for them, the money is a concern, but I also know that I was already in the most difficult situation of my life and they made it harder. They drug it out, they caused me more pain and stress. They took my time and energy. Things that I could have used for my children and husband. They made me jump through hoops and expend energy that could have been better used. I am angry about that. I will allow myself some today to be angry about that. Then I will pick up and move forward. I am a planner. Type A to the T, and this entire situation has effectively booted me out of my comfort zone and left me at the mercy of others and the system. My stomach has been in knots, my sleep has been almost non existent. I have been tired, distracted, and just plain worn out. Thankfully S took the girls for me these last two days, as I watched my stress level reach an all time high. There are moments that I actually felt removed from my body, like I was watching someone else's life from a distance. What does this mean? It is peace of mind. His medical care is covered. No matter what happens with the rest of it, his care is covered. That is huge, that is everything. We have a long road ahead. So much ground to gain, but the path is now paved. One less thing that I have to worry about. One really big thing. Now we can get back to business at hand. We can get back to the important stuff, the part that my girls will remember. We can get back to their daddy, to helping him heal.

A quiet weekend...

2009-11-10T07:22:00.000-08:00

We had a quiet weekend. After R & R came up to put in my new heaters, (which we LOVE), they took the girls back up with them so I could have the evening to myself and have the morning to get my orders out before heading north. When I got up to see him, he was getting ready to have a shower so I shaved him and trimmed up the goatee so he would feel really fresh when he came back. He usually loves having his shower, and came back to rest in a very peaceful sleep. I left him sleeping to head to C&L's for dinner. MAC had decided to have all of the kids over there for a sleepover party, and give us parental types another child free night and chance to sleep in. The kids had a great time, playing together, and generally torturing MAC. I got up in the morning and headed to the hospital to spend the day with him. He was awake and looking around I talked to him about the girls, the week, school, Halloween and all the other little details of life. We got him up in his chair, and decided to have a quiet afternoon. I pulled his chair around, put my chair up next to his and pulled the TV down in front of us. I turned the lights off and searched for a movie. I found Lethal Weapon, on of his all time favorites, and put it on. I held his hand and put my head on his shoulder, we spent the next two hours as we have spent so many before them. Sitting together in a darkened theater, watching a movie. Going to the movies is another of his favorite things. He would go over and over to see the same movie, yet could quote lines word for word after the first viewing. So we sat there just as we had in those days past. Me curled around his arm, with my head on his shoulder, no words needed as we quietly watch the movie. I can close my eyes and breathe in the scent of him. In those moments we just are. There are no expectations, no words missing from the conversation, no gray hospital walls. There is no uncomfortable silence, there is just us. In that moment we just are. He is giving everything he can to me. His warmth, his strength, his presence. I am soaking it in, drawing it in, and allowing the calm to wash over me. I am comforted by it, I allow myself to relax. To be quiet. We will turn on the lights and leave the "theater" later. First we will enjoy the "normal" we can have. We will mourn again later for the things we have lost, the things we are missing, but for now we will quietly enjoy the moment. We will be still. When I close my eyes and feel the warmth of his shoulder under my cheek, the contstant rythym of his breathing, I can breathe.

Waiting for Winter...

2009-11-06T23:21:00.000-08:00

It has been a helluva week. I am exhausted. We started the week with our usual busy Monday, and we added dentist appointments for all three of us. The girls did great, E even volunteered to go first! From there we went to lunch, then school, the post office, swimming lessons, the grocery store and finally home. Tuesday started out with it's usual fanfare, getting both lunches packed, both girls ready for school, packing our sharing item, getting both girls down the hill and into school, then coming home for the glorious few hours I get to myself during the week. A picks up the girls for me so that I have time to come home and get a few things done without helping hands. However when I got all the way home on Tuesday (35 minutes from the school)there was a message waiting for me that H was in the office not feeling well. I turned right around and headed back down the hill to pick her up. I had to take E out a little early so we could get home and let H go down for a rest. A little fever, she said her tummy hurt, she slept for the day and was back on the mend the next day. I thought we would spend a quiet day or so at home, put the movies on for the girls, let them rest and have Popsicles. Well that worked for H, but little E must have been channeling her wild inner monkey, because that kid was all over the place. She is usually my girl who will play quietly at my feet as I am filling orders, or sneak off in her bedroom only to be found quietly playing pretend. Not this week. That girl was just full of herself. She was bouncing off the furniture, literally. She was laughing, jumping, and running around. She was having long real and pretend conversations on the phone. She was having wild and intricate pretend scenarios involving a wolf costume (something she just made up and kept pretending) and all kinds of adventures she was having. Of course all of my allergies have drained leaving me with a froggy throat and a cough, this on top of watching H, and trying to just stay out of E's way, has left me spent. I got nothing done this week. Something good happened today though. Actually something great. R &R came down to the house today and spent all day going through our electrical panel and installing our brand new heaters! In all these years we have heated pretty much strictly with wood. We have two very good stoves, one at each end of the house. They do a good job if you are home to tend them. With our crazy and inconsistent schedule it is hard to keep the home fires burning all day. We have often used portable heaters to supplement or just take the chill off. I have never been really comfortable with them, always worrying that one of the girls might trip over one on a midnight potty break. I looked at some different options and got some opinions. Our house has never been ducted for heating or air, and I decided it was too much of an investment to take on right now, but I wanted to have something to make it a little easier on us. I got Cadet room heaters. Each one goes into the wall and has it's own individual thermostat. They put them in all the bedrooms, the main bathroom and the living area. They work beautifully! It was alot of work, they worked all day, but I am so pleased with the results! And to top it off, R took the girls home with him, so that I can sleep in tomorrow morning before heading up! Another thing that helps make our life more manageable. Makes it not seem quite so overwhelming. S also brought us a load of wood last weekend to add to what we already have, and I am feeling warm and snug going into winter. And I get to sleep in tomorrow!

The Beast of Burden...

2009-11-02T22:26:00.000-08:00

No one ever wants to be a burden, myself included. I have several friends who have recently been telling me that they feel badly that they have not helped me or done something for me recently. They have helped me when I needed them, I remind them. I do not want to put the all of our needs on any one or two people. They were there at the time that I needed them, doing the things that I needed at the time. It is a fine balance. You appreciate the help, even need it, but do not want to exhaust others with your life. At some point it is your life and you have to be responsible for it. You do not want to be a burden. I have other friends who I am relying more heavily on now, because of time and circumstance. Some could not be there in the beginning for the long hospital shifts, but now they are helping in the ways that we need now. I appreciate everyone's help, those that I relyed on more then, and those that I am relying on more now. I do not wish to be a burden on any of them. It is a fine line, to be able to accept help and be grateful for it, and to worry that you are leaning too much, taking too much from others. Last week was a crazy chaotic week. It was Halloween, H was Butterfly of the Week, we had flutterbye the class mascot come home for a visit, school carnival, costume parade, baked 6 dozen cupcakes for the cakewalk, made creepy witch fingers for our special class treat, helped in the classroom, juggled lawyers and doctors, swimming lessons, the house, the yard, all of the usual activities, it was one thing to another, a very busy week. I was very busy and caught up in all of the chaos. Some people asked me why I would volunteer to help with the carnival, the classroom, the treats, considering the circumstances. My girls will only have one childhood, and it is not stopping because of what is going on. I still have a job to do, and that has not changed, in fact my jobs have increased. I am doing what I planned, what we planned to do for them. Certainly someone else could have baked cupcakes, but H is still talking about the "cupcake decorating party" and I think that makes it clear that it is the right thing to do. If she is talking about cupcakes, instead of crying about her Daddy, then it was the right thing.

We finished the week by heading north. I spent time with him on Sat. showing him the Butterfly Queen costume I made for H while I sat with him, sewing on the final rhinestones. The girls Trick-or-Treated with D's family, a gaggle of 9 kids bopping through the neighborhood, they had a great time. I knew that E did not quite understand the whole concept, but when they went to the first house and she turned around with a huge grin and said "Mommy, I got candy!" she caught on fast. It was wonderful to watch them, laughing and showing off their buckets of treats. They had a carefree and wonderful time.

I was on the way to the hospital on Sun. when I got the news. I had lost a friend. We had been friends for more than 10 years. She and I were very different, but still we always had much to talk about. I met her in the first antique mall that I was in, and we fell into an easy friendship. She was old enough to be my mother, but she was never motherly to me. She was just my friend. I loved to tease her about her love of 60's kitch. She liked purple and bright colors, and hated to wear shoes. She loved a good treat and was always generous with sharing. She and I did many craft and antique shows together over the years. If we had not seen each other in awhile, we could still pick up and start a conversation, never running out of things to say. I teased her about her old fashioned expressions. "we're cooking with gas now!" was one she liked to use. She loved her family, she was always thoughtful, and she was my friend. When I had H, she came to see me in the hospital, moments after they had taken her in a helicoptor to Davis. When I was pregnant with E and had to spend every Monday getting a 7 hour infusion, she would come and visit me. She would sit with me and talk, or bring lunch, like we were having a picnic. She came to my girls birthday parties, and remembered to send them cards at holidays. She was a good friend. A mutual friend called to give me the news. I had to pull over on the side of the road to catch my breath. She found out she was ill a few weeks ago, and had been in the hospital the week before. Why, I wondered did she not tell me. She did not want to add to my burden Y told me. She knew how much I had on my plate. The rest of our conversation passed in a blur as another part of my brain kicked in and went to the last time I saw her, the last time we talked on the phone, the last note I got from her, the last e-mail we had exchanged. When I got to the hosptial I told him about it. It was hard to sit there by his bed and cry, and not be able to have him comfort me. When I got home last night from our busy Monday schedule, her husband called me. I told him how sorry I was, and what a great friend she was. I told him that I wished I had known, had been able to see her or offer her some comfort. He told me that she had not wanted to burden me. That she knew the stress and pressure that I was already in, and she had not wanted to add to it. A friend to the end. She didn't want to burden me. That burden is a beast. Would I have taken some of the burden to be able to see her and talk to her one more time, yes.

D and I had a conversation about this not too long ago. About my viewing my needs as a burden, and her trying to convince me that it was a gift that I can give to others. I can see that with my friend. I can see that I would have taken the burden, to recieve the gift. The gift of her presence. The gift of her precious time. The gift of her spirit one more time. I see that. It is a much harder place to be in for yourself. I have a harder time wrapping my mind around acceptance for myself. This conversation exasperated D, she wanted me to see that I have different standards for myself than I do for others. Why is that? Burden.....is a beast.

A season of change....

2009-10-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

To everything there is a season...... (The Byrds)

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time of war, a time of peace
A time of love, a time of hate
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late!

Even though it is a little before my time, I have always liked that song. It is just the kind of thing that sticks in your head and you find yourself humming it to yourself in the car. Or maybe that is just me. It is a season of change. The leaves are falling (again and still!) The evenings are cooling off and the mornings are crisper. We have hit the four month mark. It has really creeped up on me. I was talking on the the phone to S the other day and she said something about 4 months having passed, and I told her it was not 4 months yet, then there was a pause as we both counted back and she gently confirmed that it had been just over 4 months. Four seems so much greater than three. Three seems like a blip, four feels like an eternity. Four months is a whole season of the year. We have gone to summer into fall. It is a season of change. We still do not know any more than we did before. We are still waiting. Waiting on him, the mercy of the system, for a miracle. The one thing that we do know, is that it is time for him to move. His body remains stable and the random reports of responses still come in. It has become clear however, that he has gone as far as he can go where he is. He needs new stimulation, different therapy if he is to have the best chances. The have brought his body from the fragile state it was in, to where he is now, but they can go no further. They do not have the programs and training for what he needs now. He needs a brain injury program, one with more mental stimulation and exercises. I am investigating the possibilities and speaking with the directors of two facilities in California. Neither is close. It will be hard. But we have all nurtured his body and his spirit, it is now time for him to be in a place where they can give him those things that we cannot. He needs to go to school. Like any parent sending their child away to school, we know that we cannot do this for him. This is the part that he has to do, and he has to be in the right environment to do it. With the best tools at his disposal. If it were all in my control he would be there now, he is ready, but of course this is another exercise in patience as we wait for the stars to align and the system to work it's process. One thing I know for certain, to everything there is a season. This is a season of change.

Butterfly of the Week!

2009-10-25T23:48:00.000-07:00

It seems like an innocuous statement, but that is some powerful mojo in our house. Butterfly of the week is a cross between being a rock star, having your birthday for a whole week and being a princess. You get to bring special snack, share everyday, have your parents come in and talk about work or hobbies, be the teachers helper, and many other equally high ranking duties. The exciting buzz through the household is palpable. Even the title holds mystical powers. When it was time to leave R&D's from the weekend, I was met with the usual moans and groans about not wanting to leave their cousin. However, this time I merely had to dangle the magic words "Butterfly of the Week" and the children were magically seated in their seats. When we got home jammies were willingly and happily donned. Teeth were brushed, and smiling children toddled off to bed. That is some good magic, powerful magic. It was so lovely and stress free coming home tonight, that if the rest of the week goes as well as tonight, I might just start issuing my own titles to see if I can hold onto it a little longer. I will even hand out tiaras, I mean I am not above a little bribery. Okay I might even relish it a little. We have always been a little bit fond of pitting the children against one another for our own personal entertainment. Oh nothing physical or permanently damaging, just a little competitive incentive. That never hurt anyone, right? Our motto has always been, we brought them into this world, we feed them,clothe them, and house them, the least they can do is provide us with a little entertainment. We have spent many an evening laughing over the heads of the children as we watch their vexed little faces as they compete to out do one another. It is just one more thing that I miss. In the midst of the chaos, I miss being able to share that little humor with their father, my partner. I miss being able to shoot a knowing look over their little heads, and know that we are both on the same page or remembering the same memory. I miss giving them the stern face lecture, and then looking at him with a secret smile because we both actually thought what they did was funny. I just miss him. I am watching our little butterfly spread her wings, and I think that he deserves to be here to watch it for himself.....

It's my Potty and I'll cry if I want to....

2009-10-23T07:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a day. We have been in the battle of the wills or potty training for some time. We had gone through most of the normal tricks, when he came up with a brilliant idea. I was getting frustrated being the primary "hounder" trying to remind E to use the potty. He took E to the store and let her pick out her own pink potty. He then decided to bribe H to take on the "hounding" job. It was genius really. Using the greed of one to help train the other. He has always had a very good insight to human nature.If she could get her sister to go, then they would both get a treat. It was working really well before all of this happened. Since June it has been an up and down roller coaster. She knows how to go. I told her that she cannot go to school (which she loves) if she goes in her pants, and she has held it really well, until yesterday. I spoke to the pediatrician, and he reminded me that it was her form of control in her world where there are so many things that are out of her control. I know what that feels like. The loss of control, the desperate grasping at things you think you can control. It doesn't mean that it went any easier for me yesterday. As a matter of fact it was a complete disaster. It was picture day in preschool, I was driving for the kindergarten field trip to the pumpkin patch for the other one. We got to the school and E had an accident, then tried to hide it. My frustration was already at it's breaking point, and I had no time to have a patient discussion on the merits of using the potty. I could feel the emotions, the pain, the frustration, the anger, the panic, the feelings of defeat and inadequacy, wash over me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell, I wanted to cry right along with her. I wanted to curl up into a ball in the middle of the preschool play yard and just sob. Luckily A was there, she told me she would take care of it. She told me to go with H on her field trip. I left her there with my screaming child, and I went to be with the other one. I worried about her the whole time. As I watched H running around, or felt her arms wrap around me as she launched herself at me, I knew that I had made the right decision, but I still worried. When we finished the field trip and got to pick up E, she was happily playing and running around. She had missed her school photos. I was wiped out. I could not think of running errands or going to the store. We came straight home. They ran around and played, me all the time praying for bedtime so I could just....be. Be quiet, be still, be alone. When it finally came, I collapsed. Emotionally spent. This motherhood stuff, it isn't for sissies, and doing it solo...... "It's my potty and I'll cry if I want to"....or perhaps "Oh my mama told me, There will be days like this ... my mama told me."

He'd do it for me...

2009-10-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

He'd do it for me. That is a statement I have been hearing alot lately. So many people have offered their help, their support, their time, their resources, and when I thank them, I get a shrug and "he'd do it for me." I cannot even say how many times I have heard that over the last few months. It is his living legacy to us. It sets the bar so high, it is the example he has set for our daughters to witness. It is what comforts me, what keeps me going every day.It would be so much harder to get up each and every day and not have these constant reminders of what we are fighting for. I spent a quiet weekend with him. We had all of Sunday together, just the two of us. Nothing new and miraculous happened, but we had quiet time, it was good. We read,we watched movies, went outside, and held hands. It was while I was sitting with him watching a movie, that I saw a note taped above his bed. It was a hand written note on a simple paper towel. It wished him luck, and said their prayers were with him. It was signed, with a footnote saying "from a friend you never knew". It was from someone in Chico that went all the way up to see him, someone who was not a part of our everyday lives, someone who he met casually, but someone who thought enough of him after those casual interactions to see him and leave that note. That is the man that I married, the father of my children, the man that I am fighting for right now. And I know he'd do it for me.....

20 years ago last month.....

2009-10-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has already been 20 years since this photo was taken. I can still remember this day, what we were doing, where we where and who we were with. If 20 years can pass so quickly, 3 months should seem like the blink of an eye. Three months is the first trimester of a pregnancy, a single season of the year. Such a small piece in the whole picture of our life. I see this picture and I think of our youth, our innocence, and of the children that were not yet a twinkle in his eye. So much we did not know then, so many things we do not know now. Some things change and others stay the same....

Huff and Puff.........

2009-10-14T23:20:00.000-07:00

And then the wind blows, and it sure did. It stormed and rained and gusted around us, but we stayed snug in our home. We have leaves and acorns down everywhere and a few small branches but nothing major. Our power was out for awhile yesterday, but it was back on by the time we came home from town. We were not so lucky with the internet. We have satelitte here (the only high speed available to us) and when the weather is bad, no internet. It is thankfully back now. Our swing in the yard did a back flip about 10 feet away but seems to be otherwise unscathed. Our market umbrella, jumped out of it's stand and was upside down in the pool, also undamaged. He had a good week. He did some new and surprising things. He raised his legs on command. Several times. They were surprised and took him to physical therapy right away to take advantage of his participation. He repeated it for PT and they got him to a mat and turned him to his side and asked him to roll himself back to the center. He did. More than once. The ground here is damp, it smells like fall, and freshly fallen pine needles. We weathered the storm. I hope this is a harbinger of what is to come. Staying the course and weathering the storm.

Patience....Again....

2009-10-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

It is time to start thinking about decisions. My emotions have been up and down and all over the place. Some days I get so bogged down with what he is not doing that I cannot think of what he is doing. R&D have been my best reminders of this, as I start to feel the weight of the future pressing down on me. They remind me that it has only been 3 months though it seems like an eternity. They also remind me that it has just been 2 months since he has transferred to where he is, and of the condition that he was in when he got there. It is true. Those are big changes. I was reminded again of this on Friday when I was in the pediatrition's office. He asked how he was doing, as people often do. I started to tell him much the same, as "I" often do, then I remembered that the last time the Dr. had seen him was when he was still here at Enloe. I thought of that day when he came in, as I can still see it clearly in my mind. I thought of that roto-bed that he was strpped to, the vent, the tubes, the pic line, the complete stillness of his frame as he lay there in the bed. I stopped myself, and said "well, actually there have been changes" and I told him about the progresses, and the changes he has made. I watched the surprise wash over the Dr.'s face, and he told me that when he had seen us there in the ICU, he never thought he would have gotten a report like that, that we would have made it this far, and to not give up HOPE. It made me remember back to the day that they told me that he would not survive the week, or after that when they said that it would take 3-4 weeks for him to be able to recover from a lung infection, if he was able to recover at all. Three days later it was all but gone. I still do not know what the future holds or where we are headed. I do know that I have to "keep my eye on the prize" which is what I keep reminding him to do. I have to work towards that goal, and not be sidetracked by the events of the day. This is not going to be a sprint, we signed on for the marathon. Of course this is what D has been reminding me of in our "intense fellowship" sessions, but I was reluctanct to accept. I think that I am still learning my lesson about patience. I tend to think "Okay, I accept it...now let's move on to the next thing." Of course that is not what patience is about. Patience for me right now is not about accepting what "is" but about accepting what I do not know and still moving forward. A lesson I am still learning. The kids had a wonderful visit with him on Saturday. He was good. Holding himself up and looking around, watching them. They ran in circles around him, laughing, playing chase, calling out to him. Of course H spent her time on his lap, curled up against her dad, feeling his arms around her. In the time of this uncertainty, in the chaos of the moment, I see this time, her ability to draw strength from him. I see how the rest of the week passes more easily, how she leaves her visits with him, on a high note, more contented. I realize that as difficult as this all is on the rest of us, I would not trade that moment for her. If I get frustrated with the slow progress, I realize that if things had turned out differently, she would not have these moments. If he had not made the progresses that he has made, these moments would not be possible. For that I am grateful. For that I will be patient. Some people don't get that. Some people would give everything to have it. One more hug, to listen to a heart beating under their cheek, to feel a breath rustling their hair. I watch my daughter absorb it, and I realize, now is not the time to know. I am still learning patience, I am still learning to appreciate this moment, to live in this moment.

Busy Week..

2009-10-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

It has been a busy week. A crazy week. Of course Monday is always our long day. I come home and frantically try to catch up on my orders, messages and e-mails. We have school for H, I helped in her classroom, then after school we rush over to swimming lessons. We then head over to Costco or the grocery store to pick up whatever groceries we need for the week and head home for quick dinner before bath and bed. Tuesday both girls have school, H starts 45 minutes before E, so after we check H into her class, E and I usually do prep work for the teacher until it is time for E to start. I check E into her class and am off to run errands. On Wednesday we took H to school and then headed out for an appointment at the SS office. Thursday was the same as Tuesday but it was E's first field trip with her class and we went to the Pumpkin Patch, then back to school to pick up H. Friday is early day with H having to be in class at 9 am, which means of course we have to wake up grumpy E. I have been fortunate in the last weeks to have A pick up the girls for me after school on Tues and Thurs so I could run home and get some things done, however she was out of town this week so we were on our own. I have also been fortunate that H has been able to ride to school on Friday with a friend, and I have been able to let E sleep in and have a quiet morning. None of those things worked out this week so it was just me and the girls and our busy schedule. You add in 3 trips to the post office to ship orders, the packing and processing of the orders, my evening yard clean up (trying to top off the dumpster before it got picked up today, packing lunches, making breakfast and dinner, the laundry, the shopping, the paperwork, getting documentation together for SS, doctors and dentist appointments, talking to lawyers,making Halloween costumes and all of the other things that keep us moving. It has been a busy week. MA is down for the weekend, and came to pick up the girls for me, to give me this evening to get caught up, before the next week starts and I am behind again. It is so funny that I thought my life was busy before. I thought I didn't have much time for myself or enough hours in the day to get everything done that I had to do. Of course I would be thrilled with those days now.

Everything for moment....

2009-10-08T08:32:00.000-07:00

We are still in our holding pattern. He is about the same. He still does things randomly but nothing really consistently. I had two people tell me that they saw him laugh. They said he was by the nurses station when they were telling funny stories and that he laughed. They were very excited, and I believe that they believe it. He is still eating, and yogurt seems to be his favorite. He is eating a half to full container per sitting. There are still other reports of random words, Hi, Mom, Yeah, No, Mmm Hmm. It is so hard to watch him and wonder what is going on in there. We all do range of motion exercises with him, and talk to him and try to show him things to peak his interest. Since he has not been able to use his hands, they get very dry. I have been putting lotion on them, I take his hand in mine and massage the lotion into his hand and arm from fingertip to elbow. His hands have never been large, but they have always been broad and rough. Over the last three months, I have felt them get smoother and smoother, it is amazing how fast those calluses will go away without use. I remember the strength that I have always felt in those hands. The gentle way they held our children. The rough feel of his palm against mine. I miss their strength. I am not the only one. It has gotten easier for the girls to see him. They know what to expect, and I have mixed feelings about that. One one hand I am amazed and proud of their resilience. On the other hand I am profoundly saddened that they have to be. In the beginning I watched H in her almost desperate attempts to get him to look at her. Now it makes me ache for her, to watch her resignation. She still wants to see him, wants to crawl in his lap and just rest her head against his chest. She likes me to hold his arm around her little body while she curls up against him, squeezes her eyes shut and presses her cheek against his chest. I can feel her trying to absorb the moment. There is nothing in this world I would not give to have him be able to hug her back. In that moment, for that moment, I would give anything, everything.

2009-10-06T00:09:00.000-07:00

We got home last night to the crisp clean smell of fall. It was cool, and we could feel the acorns crunching under our feet as we unloaded the car. The leaves are turning, and fluttering from the trees, but they are not on my roof or in my gutters. They are not on the front porch or the back deck. They are filling that dumpster in the front yard. 40 yards full of leaves, all gathered and loaded by a wonderful group of people. I don't even know exactly who they were. I know a few, but the rest I do not. They repaired the roof on my pumphouse, cleared a path for me to get to it easily. They pruned the trees, blew the leaves off of my roof and gutters, and cleared over 40 yards of leaves. But the best thing in the eyes of my two little girls, were the two fat, round pumpkins left on the front porch. They were so excited to see them, they ran up and patted them, moved them around, and decided which one belonged to which girl. We came in the house, and they wanted to decorate for Halloween. They layered leaves on the buffet, and made trailing paths of candy corn. They drew pictures of pumpkins and leaves and hung them on the fridge. H said "Mommy, it was so nice of Daddy's friends to bring us pumpkins!" Yes it was. Thank you. You made one big girl and two little girls smile today, and that is no small thing.

The Gift...

2009-10-02T23:46:00.000-07:00

I was home alone this afternoon when it was delivered. It is not your usual sort of gift. Perhaps some people might not call it a gift, but I do. Then again, I have always been more the "paint my house" kind of girl, rather than the candy and flowers kind of girl. It is sitting in the yard in front of my house tonight, huge, bigger than my truck. Actually it is only part of the gift. The rest is coming tomorrow when I am not home. What is it? Bigger than a bread box.......Smaller than my house, that is alot of ground to cover........it is .......a dumpster.....a 40yd dumpster to be precise. I imagine that not everyone would be this excited to have a huge garbage can sitting in their front yard, but I am. The other part of the gift arrives tomorrow. While I am visiting with him, and talking about our week, the girls will be visiting the pumpkin patch with their aunties, and here at the house something wonderful will be happening. A group of amazing people have volunteered to spend their day off, helping me get ready for winter. They are coming to clear the brush to the pump house, and dig me out of the huge piles of leaves I feel buried in. It is a daunting task for one person to look out at and even know where to start. A clean slate. A fresh start. It will be nice to come home and not have the weight of all that I have to do looming at me the second I pull in the driveway. I so appreciate this. The gift of all of these people's time, efforts and energy. Amazing. I cannot wait to tell him about it tomorrow, I know he will be proud, and humbled. This one ranks up there as one of the best gifts I have ever received. I can only think of one thing that I would like more, hopefully he is working on that one......

Navigating a sea of uncertainty....

2009-10-01T00:59:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking alot about the uncertainty of life, and am trying to accept the things that I cannot know or change right now. It does not help that I feel like I have a giant glow in the dark, karmic bulls eye on my head. Delegate, delegate, delegate, everyone tells you. The problem with that theory, is that it is just that to everyone else. Theory. It IS my life, the lives of my children and the husband who is relying on me to make the right decisions for him. I got an attorney to handle those things for me, hoping that would be a part of all of this that I would not have to worry about each day, but still I have to monitor and police those activities or things start to slide. I cannot afford to let those things slide, we are on borrowed time as it is, one thing dependant upon another. I have entrusted other professionals to give me advice and guide me down the right path, and one thing became abundantly clear. I am alone in this. I have to be my constant advocate. I have to ask the right questions, even when I do not know what they are. When I do ask the questions, they do not know the answers, say they will get back to me and then do not. People want to help, but without being in this position, they have no idea of the enormity of this weight. Oh I am sure they go home at night and feel badly for us, maybe even pray or hope things turn around, but then they go about their day, their lives, and their jobs. We do not have that luxury. Our entire lives hang in the balance, and I am at the mercy of others. It is a very uncomfortable place to be. There is no manual for this situation. No one handed me a syllabus. I fear more what I do not know, rather than what I do know.

It sounds like life to me....

2009-09-28T00:40:00.000-07:00

He had a pretty good week this week. A very full week. He sat up and held his head up for almost 30 minutes one day, and had his birthday on another. He got up in the standing frame, taking deep breaths and holding up his head. He spent alot of time looking around, and had many visitors this week. He is up to eating a whole yogurt in a sitting, and still seems to be making sounds in response to conversation. All in all, all things considered a pretty good week. MA and MB continue to alternate weekends here, so they can spend time with him and with the girls. MA was here this weekend, and continues to put him through his paces with stretching. Even though it was a good week, it is still hard to sit here in my chair and not be worried. Not be terrified. I want to hope and be hopeful, but still have to keep balance, for the girls and for myself. I have to keep things clear in my mind. I cannot allow myself to be lulled. I have spent some time recently talking to D about this. She calls herself my Devil's Advocate, and we have lively conversations that make me think. Help me to focus. I was feeling the burden of uncertainty earlier in the week. She was trying to help me to think of good things that were happening, but I was really focused on not being able to see what was out there for him, for us. I was telling her that it was the unknown that was killing me. If I knew it was going to take a long time but that we would get there, it would be much easier to settle in for the ride. If I knew that he would be there for H's graduation or to walk E down the aisle, I could so much easier accept the journey. It is the not knowing that wakes me up in the night. She looked at me and told me that the future is uncertain for all of us. That she no more knows if R is going to be there at M's graduation than I do. The difference is that I am asking myself those questions daily. Just because I am asking those questions, doesn't mean that I have any more control over it than they do. It really did make me think. I have spent so much energy on the anxiety of the unknown, but the truth is that not one of us knows what the future holds for us. We just have to get up, and keep showing up. I still have people commenting on my strength. And others still trying to give me permission to "fall apart". In any group of friends, who have been together as long we have, you have phrases, or mantras that mean something to you. One of ours is "there is no excuse for poor behavior". I still believe that. I believe that in the darkest and most challenging of times, that you show your character. I think that when you are raising children, how you deal with these times, forms their character. I believe that is black and white, not gray. It was interesting, after having this discussion with D, and others with K & A over the last week or so, I happen to get into the truck and a song came on the radio that pretty much summed that up for me.

The chorus from "It sounds like life to me" by Darryl Worley.

Sounds like life to me it ain’t no fantasy
It’s just a common case of everyday reality
Man I know it’s tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
It sounds like life to me

Sounds like life to me plain old destiny
Yeah the only thing for certain is uncertainty
You gotta hold on tight just enjoy the ride
Get used to all this unpredictability
Sounds like life.......

39 forever.....

2009-09-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

39 forever, isn't that how the saying goes? Yesterday was his 39th birthday. The girls didn't know. We were home with our usual routine, but my mind was with him all day. I decided not to tell the girls, as I felt it would only make them sad. We celebrated his birthday with them at the BBQ after the triathlon. That was a good day, full of celebration, a party, cake, and laughter. They knew that it was a birthday and get well party for daddy. I wanted them to think of that day. I thought of the last 20 birthdays we have spent together beginning with his 19th birthday, just a couple weeks after we first met. I can still remember what I gave him, red licorice, mad magazine, liquid starch (for his ROTC uniforms) and a card. The first two would probably still be in his birthday package today, he gave up on starch and ironing years ago. His mother took a cake in for the nurses, and I understand they all sang "Happy Birthday" to him. D & R were there, and his aunt, and I understand a few other visitors stopped by as well. D told me that he said "Mom" to his mother, and made some other sounds, but was otherwise quiet. His birthday also marks the third month. Three months since our lives were irrevocably altered. Three months since I have heard that deep belly laugh, 3 months since I have seen the face splitting grin. Three months since I have lain down in my bed at night and felt a warm arm curl around me, and a whiskery cheek brush the back of my neck. Three months since I have gotten a 5 o'clock phone call to tell me he is on his way home from work (or that he is working late). Three months since I have been taking out the garbage, and have had to yell at him to turn off the alarm that he is sleeping through. Three months that I have been both mom and dad to the girls. He is 39 and it has only been three months but it seems like forever...

Quiet....

2009-09-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

It has been another whirlwind weekend. We stayed with R & D again and children had the time of their lives. They had the most wonderful carefree weekend. They played outside , swam in the pool, went to the movies, and just good kid fun. My parents also came to see him this weekend. We had him and the kids and R&D all out in the park. He had some candy in his hands when the kids came, and that is the perfect ice breaker. They take it from him, and thank him, and dance around excited. They show it to him and run and play while calling out for us to watch him. E is getting more comfortable now, and will run and hug his arm. It is still H that I worry about. She is so smart, so contemplative. I see her smile and laugh and run with the other kids, but I also see the longing in her eyes, and the sadness that slumps her shoulders as she leans against him. She likes to sit on his lap and lay her head against his chest, pulling his arm around her little body. She closes her eyes and presses her cheek against the warmth of him. I am so proud of her, yet it rips my guts out to watch her, learning a strength and fortitude that no one her age should have to. This child sits there on the the lap of the man who loves her more than anyone else in this world. The man who has cherished her from the second he saw her, and I do not know if she will ever feel the strength of his arms tighten around her again. I do not know if he is hearing her sweet words, or fighting his way back to us. But in that quiet moment when her eyes are closed, I know that her heart is speaking to him. I just hope he is listening.

Another week come and gone....

2009-09-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

Another week has come and gone. It has been another whirlwind of activity for all of us. The girls and I have finally had a complete week of routine. I think we are finding our groove. We have had a lot of help along the way. A has volunteered to pick up the girls for me on Tues. and Thurs. so that I can have enough time to make it home and get a few things done while I have the house to myself. Two other friends have offered to drive H to school on Friday morning (our early day), and get her to class for me, so that I can spend the morning at home with E. All of these things ease the stress of the week. A few extra minutes to think a thought all the way through, without being interrupted. To make a phone call, and not have to shush the background noise every five minutes. It is what enables me to carry on the rest of the time.

I have still been wrangling insurance, attorneys, doctors, paperwork and bureaucracy, but one other thing has eased my stress this week. The DSA brought me the first check from the benefit this week. I want to thank everyone again for your support. I cannot tell you enough what it means to us. With the big car repair, house insurance, property taxes, all in the horizon looming, it is so nice to know that we have a cushion, and do not have to stress about these things. We so appreciate every one's concern and continued support. Thank you.

He has had a busy week as well. He continues with his daily therapy and some days are better than others. He has had some odd temperature spikes over the last week and they have done every test imaginable trying to rule things out. Yesterday they even took him to the big hospital to do a CT scan and sonogram to make sure he had no blood clots or ulcers that were causing the random fever. It seems they can find nothing wrong. They seem to think is is the hamster wheel in his head spinning really fast. Lets hope so. I think it is about time those things started running. I heard that he said another "Hi" this week and has been enjoying his yogurt and pudding. The girls are looking forward to seeing him. They have been busy all week making pictures and cards for him. It hasn't gotten easier, but we are finding a way to make it more manageable. Another week, come and gone..

When it rains it pours....

2009-09-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

It rained yesterday, actually it poured. Literally. I was glad to have had S here on Sunday and she helped me move some things into the barn. Just in time it seems. It smells like fall here today. Moist and wet leaves and damp earth. It is a distinct smell, something that can instantly take you back to your childhood. Our leaves are falling by the millions, they are everywhere. I have had some wonderful help of yard clean up offered to me, but I have asked them to wait a little longer until all these leaves are done falling. I have been raking piles and piles and it seems every time I turn around to admire my handiwork, there is a fresh carpet of them behind me in my wake. Rather frustrating but a metaphor for my life. More patience. More waiting. Try not to put the cart before the horse. Everything in due time. First things first. The leaves must fall before they can be raked.

The girls dressed out in full rain gear to go to school yesterday, and of course when we got to town, there was no rain. By the time school was over, jackets were stuffed in the backpack, and tights were abandoned in favor of barefeet. We were riding around in our borrowed rig (from his parents) as we blew a brake line Sunday morning. Luckily the girls were not with me, and MB and his parents came to rescue me. The big beast was towed away, and we are tooling around in Nana's rig. More rain. More patience.

I hear that he ate more yogurt yesterday. That he liked it and followed some commands. I heard that he participated more in PT, and was able to balance himself for a longer period of time while sitting. I also just word that he might be getting another Cranial Sacral treatment this week. We are also expecting some insurance/wc things to shake out over the next week or so. More rain. Rain is renewing, invigorating, the sign of change, and a new season. I look forward to dancing in the rain.

Welcome Rest..

2009-09-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was welcomed. I was taken in, cared for, listened to, encouraged,and given a soft quiet place to lay my head. It was wonderful. S came up to stay with the girls at our house for the weekend. This was the girls first weekend at home since this began. It was good for them to have time in their own space. It was good for them to have time to play and enjoy their home. It was good for me to be able to leave and know they were happy and well cared for. It was good for all of us to have some time apart. I headed north for my usual visits with him, but this weekend I stayed with R & D. They have offered their home since the beginning, and I took them up on it. I needed it. It was quiet, and I slept in.They are amazing people, thoughtful and caring, both of them. R is his K. He has known him almost twice as long as I. And D, a person who cares for others, whole heartedly, thinks of all the little details, the things that apart seem small, but when put together make huge beautiful mosaic. When I came back to the house at night, we talked about the day, his day, the future, what is coming up, my worries, my fears, how long he has come, and how much longer there still is to go. It was good to go to bed with a mind emptied, a heart unburdened, and just sleep. This weekend I was welcomed, and it was wonderful. Thank you.

He continues to look fantastic. Like he could jump out of bed at any moment. Everyone comments on it. His color, his skin, even his muscle tone. He finally seems to be getting along with his milkshake and looks more relaxed. He has also had more reports of words. I try to keep my heart from jumping into my throat every time I hear about it. Two weeks ago D &T went to see him and told me that he had very clearly responded to them. They know how objective I try to remain, and assured me it was clear to them. I remain ever hopeful, but try to keep perspective. This last week I got several more reports. D & P both spoke to me and told me they were certain of his communication. When I got to the hospital on Friday, 3 nurses stopped to tell me that they had personally heard it, and that it was very clear to them. It is hard to look at him, and hear these reports, and not have your heart do a little flip flop. Has he sat up and spoken to me? No, he has not. He had times over the last two days that his eyes were particularly clear and focused. When I chatter to him he makes sounds in response. Soft murmuring sounds. Mm mm. MmmmHmm. Like quiet conversation. I took him outside and we spent almost 3 hours today in the park. It was beautiful and cool and we sat outside and finished our latest book. He was is his chair with his head tilted up to the warmth of the sun, I sat on the bench beside him with my head on his shoulder, and I could feel the rise and fall of his chest as I read. I could feel his cheek tilt down and his breath ruffle my hair as I read. It could have been any other day in our life, quietly reading, enjoying a cool fall day. It was a good day. It was a good weekend, a restful weekend.